The following was mailed to us on letterhead that said, “North Bergen Municipal Utilities Authority.” Obviously, it’s a joke, although we’re not sure who sent it.Fart free workplace policy
The MUA expands its Fart Free Workplace Policy to cover all facilities. Beginning Aug. 1, 2000 all MUA facilities will be flatulence free. The policy is as follows:
Purpose and background:
The MUA’s policy on farting in the workplace is designed to foster the health and safety of all employees.
In recent years, research has focused on the ill health effects of secondhand farts, including recommendations to take preventative measures to reduce the effects of secondhand farts in all environments. Farting is the major preventable cause of watery eyes today. The hazards of secondhand farts range from immediate reactions to long term serious effects. This new policy is one of the most important steps that the MUA can take to improve our work environment.
We rely on the cooperation of all of our employees.
Policy:
Farting is prohibited in fully enclosed buildings, including work areas, eating areas and areas where open flames are present. The MUA will not provide farting rooms.
Farting means passing gas, breaking wind, cutting cheese and/or any other term applicable.
Assistance for farters:
For those employees who are interested, the MUA will make available a variety of programs designed to assist employees managing their farting at the workplace or to quit farting.
The Hazardous Material Department will offer assistance to MUA employees who are interested in quitting farting and improving lifestyle behaviors. Services available include confidential one-on-one counseling (this will take place in open air spaces), health videos, non-gaseous diets, audio cassettes, butt plugs, educational materials such as booklets and pamphlets that meet employee needs and interests. Also, a gas container that can be attached directly to the anal cavity. These containers were developed by a PIT team from New York City as a possible heating fuel cost reduction. Filled containers will be collected weekly and used in heating buildings that the MUA presently heats with natural gas.
The He-Who-Smelled-It-Dealt-It claim will no longer be supported by the MUA.
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