Dear Dr. Norquist:
I have a problem. I’m angry at an ex-friend and I can’t seem to let it go. She has been inconsiderate and rejecting of me – disregarding our friendship when it is convenient for her to do so.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I have a problem. I’m angry at an ex-friend and I can’t seem to let it go. She has been inconsiderate and rejecting of me – disregarding our friendship when it is convenient for her to do so. This has been very painful for me. I have trouble understanding why someone would treat a friend that way. She will not even say "hi" to me if certain other people are around! I’ve given up on the friendship. The problem is, I am obsessed with my anger at her. I lie in bed at night thinking about how mean she has been to me. It affects my mood more than I’d like to admit. What can I do to let go of my hurt and anger?
Dr. Norquist responds:
When we obsess on someone who has done us wrong or who we are angry at, we lose a part of our spirit. It’s like we leave a part of our spirit in the past by continuing to focus our thoughts and emotions there. When our energy is invested elsewhere – through repetitive thoughts and feelings, it can also affect our health adversely. A continuous focus on your anger at your ex-friend keeps you linked to her. Even if you don’t see her anymore, energetically, the relationship is still alive – albeit in a way that drags you down. Thoughts are powerful. They trigger feelings and determine the quality of our experience of our lives. Recently, some theorists have labeled habitual thoughts as "thought forms." These thought forms manifest as clouds of energy that we carry around us and that can start to take on a life of their own. It sounds like you have been thinking negative thoughts that feed the "thought form" of your anger and hurt with regard to your ex-friend. When you find yourself doing this, immediately stop and consciously change your thinking pattern. This will help to diminish the power and energy you invest in this "thought form."
Try to understand from within your ex-friend’s way of perceiving the world why she would treat you as she has. This helps you to move towards feeling compassion towards her for her actions. You may not agree with her values, but if you can understand it from her perspective, it will be easier for you to forgive her.
Another exercise to aid forgiveness is to visualize your heart as open and glowing with light and love and warmth and then see yourself sending this light and love to your ex-friend’s heart. If you do this exercise daily, and with sincerity, within a short time you will be feeling much better about yourself and your former relationships. In forgiveness, you can call back that part of your spirit that you have left with her. Forgiveness will release your energetic links with her and allow you to have lighter moods and a peaceful night’s rest once more.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
My husband and I will disagree about things and when it sometimes leads to an argument, I feel the tension is hurting our children and I feel guilty. We have a young son and infant daughter. My son often starts to act up when we argue. Should my husband and I wait until the kids are asleep to resolve disagreements? Any advice you could offer would be appreciated!
Dr. Norquist responds:
As parents, we need to practice restraining ourselves from responding impulsively to the situation at hand. The impulse when we are angry is to argue or yell. That impulse is enticing. It begs us to respond, supported by those feelings of self-righteousness that always seem to be close at hand in such situations. In the midst of this impulse to argue, what we need to do as parents is to take a deep breath, and step back to look at the situation more objectively. From this place of observation, stop and ask yourself what the highest response would be that you could make at this moment. What response is most in alignment with your values and your goals? What response would be the more uplifting to all involved? From this perspective you would likely choose to restrain yourself from the impulse to argue, especially in front of your children, recognizing the effect this has on all involved. An added bonus is that practicing self-restraint in your impulses to argue now will better prepare you for the teenage years ahead, where there will likely be additional situations with your son in which you will need to restrain yourself from the lure of impulsive emotional reactions.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 205, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, swedish and therapeutic massage, naturopathic medicine, hypnosis, yoga, meditation, Bach Flower Remedies, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Art Therapy, reflexology, Reiki, Shiatsu, Cranial Sacral Therapy, Alexander Technique, and Jin Shin Do. Ó 2000 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center