Dear Dr. Norquist:
I have been dating a man for over 2 years who is 20 years older than I am. He has been married three times and doesn’t think that he is ready to get married again.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I have been dating a man for over 2 years who is 20 years older than I am. He has been married three times and doesn’t think that he is ready to get married again. I love him with all my heart but there are certain things that he won’t put up with. For example, he is very spiritual, meaning that if he is going to be with me for long-term, I have to submit myself to him, and never say "no" to him. If he tells me that I should do something that he thinks is best for me, I cannot say no otherwise he becomes disappointed with me. I want to make him happy, but I have a mind of my own and sometimes I get stubborn. I just don’t like someone telling me what to do. He has been hurt so many times by women, and he says he knows what will work in a relationship and what will not. He has done much for my children and myself and he says I should be grateful for what he has done. Do you think that he is too controlling or do you think that I should try to please him and be a helpmate to him.
Dr. Norquist responds:
It is common in raising children to ask them to do, or not do certain things because we as the parents believe we know what is best for them. It is also common to not accept "no" as an answer from our children especially in particular situations. We do this because it is part of our responsibility in raising and protecting our children. In the general American culture, this is not the usual role to take towards our marital partner. As an adult you are responsible for yourself. Most people do not assume that their marital partner is responsible for their life. As an individual, you have your own needs, feelings, opinions, and path. For these, you are responsible to yourself. No one else can dictate this for you. Being married to someone doesn’t mean giving up your will and your individuality and becoming one with what your partner wants you to feel, need or do. It is not possible to do this and remain emotionally healthy. A strong partnership consists of two strong individuals who are both whole within themselves. Your needs, feelings, and opinions deserve consideration and respect from the person you are closest to. I know cultures vary, and perhaps he is from a culture that supports his expectations of you. However, it clearly does not feel right to you. If you listen to your stubbornness here you will save yourself a lot of pain and anger.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
My husband gets mad at me if I want to spend time with a friend. He says I don’t have enough time for him. If I do spend time with a friend, he complains that every one else is more important than he is because if I have enough time to spend with them, I must have time to spend with him. I am only asking for one night out a month. We work together and spend every night together – is this asking too much? My husband has no social life outside of me. If I don’t want to spend all my time with my husband, does this mean I don’t love him? He thinks so. What should I do? I’m starting to get claustrophobic.
Dr. Norquist responds:
Not wanting to spend all your time with your husband doesn’t mean you don’t love him. However, his neediness may be creating a desire in you for more space, more separateness. When we try to "fill-up", so to speak, on our partner, to get our needs for love and security met, our partner eventually feels drained, and wants to pull away. Ideally, love should be a freeing feeling. Your husband’s insecurity will create what he most fears – your need to pull away. You seem to be struggling with guilt about engaging in a normal and healthy human activity – spending time with friends. Try not to allow yourself to own these guilt feelings. You have the right to see your friends. It is not unloving of you to want to do so. Don’t allow your life to be shut down because of your husband’s insecurities. It will not serve either of you for you to do this.
Your husband needs to recognize that the security and love that he is looking for is within himself, not in you. He needs to accept his innate loveableness and self-worth, and recognize that the fulfillment he is searching for is within. Being dependent on others for our sense of worth leaves us forever vulnerable to insecurities – as outside conditions and relationships are always changing. By becoming more centered in himself, and connecting with his inner richness, he will be more able to love you in a way that feels freeing to you. Then he may also spontaneously start developing a social life that is not totally dependent on you.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 205, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, swedish and therapeutic massage, naturopathic medicine, hypnosis, yoga, meditation, Bach Flower Remedies, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Art Therapy, reflexology, Reiki, Shiatsu, Cranial Sacral Therapy, Alexander Technique, and Jin Shin Do. Ó 2000 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center