Aware of the Pope’s recent apology for all of the sins of the Catholic Church covering 2000 years, I decided to unburden myself and without hesitation, seek forgiveness for a myriad of missteps over my life, offering little or no excuse.
I apologize for:
• terrorizing ants with my magnifying glass as a kid.
• grossing out my teen friends with that growth on my hip no one could decipher.
• the incident with the woodchuck during camp when I was 13. It’s not who I am.
• confessing to my friend Anthony’s sins because they were more interesting than mine.
• re-entering the confessional to confess I lied about them being my sins and giving the priest Anthony’s name and address.
• running my personal shredder at high speed on Good Friday which I’m sure is prohibited.
• sending Kristy McNichol a fan letter in the 70s. People like me drove her out of the business.
• practically diving under my car when Lucy said she wanted to see more of me during the period I saw myself as Rob Lowe circa 1988 and commitment caused hyperventilation.
• pouring brake fluid into my rental’s oil spout and claiming I was given a defective car. It was raining and all car openings look the same to me.
• the incident with my German Shepherd the year I started college and felt stressed. It’s not who I am. Really.
• watching Richard Dreyfuss films.
• reviewing Steven Segal’s films and using words like “revolutionary.”
• bonding with my leisure suit.
• that whole suede thing I had going in the early 80s.
• not getting past the spanking fixation and moving on with my life.
• watching Popular on the WB network on Thursday.
• fantasizing about spanking the cast of Popular well into Friday morning.
• the shaving-between-my-eyebrows period in my early 20s.
• squaring off against Sister Ascenza, my principal on my first teaching job.
• running out of gas midway through March at said job and escaping to Puerto Rico for a week, saying I had strep throat.
• the incident in my sleeping bag while in Puerto Rico. It’s not who I am
• wing-tip shoes at Rutgers.
• collecting Farside comic panels and taping them to my walls at my first apartment, costing $400 to repaint and erase tape marks when I was evicted.
• three of the rooms in my apartment, which resemble the stock market floor during a crash.
• actually, I’m taking back that wing-tip thing. I looked pretty secure in those
• following Henry Fonda out of the theatre where he played Clarence Darro in the 70s while he confusedly searched for his limo.
• giving him the thumbs up and advising him to work with Richard Dreyfuss.
• cheating on Blockbuster Video survey cards.
• lying about my age, height, weight, reason for baldness (microwave exposure).
• spending six years in the reserves without even wounding an enemy.
• terrorizing ants with my magnifying glass last week. My boss yelled at me to stay awake.
There. I feel much better. Who’s next? – Joe Del Priore