Dear Dr. Norquist:
I am 29 years old and I have been in the same relationship for six and a half years.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I am 29 years old and I have been in the same relationship for six and a half years. He is 30, and I do not know if I should end this relationship. We have so many differences, but we have a strong love that has kept us together. But I always had to convince myself it’s ok that he only has a high school education and has had the same job for 14 years; it is not. I have had several different jobs and a B.S. degree and I plan to go for my master’s soon, I am losing my patience with him because he has no goals. We recently moved in together, and I do not see this working. He lives day by day, and I need someone to look forward to the future with me. I feel I have tried all I can with this relationship, and I still love him, but I really do not know what to do.
Dr. Norquist responds:
Love is not all that is necessary to build a life with someone. You have spent most of your 20s with this man, yet the same issues remain. If you cannot find a place within yourself to accept your boyfriend’s approach to life, it will be difficult to move forward together. To do so before this is resolved could lead to a life of bickering, disappointment and lack of respect for each other. For a relationship to work, both partners don’t always have to have the same approach to life, but they do have to be able to accept and respect each other for who they each are. If what you need in a marital partner is someone who has more ambition and who takes more responsibility for creating a future together, then perhaps you need to say goodbye to this relationship so that you are available to find someone who better matches your needs and your values. I realize this may be very difficult to do, but how will you feel 10 or 15 years from now, if you are in the same place? The messages we receive from this culture suggest that all we have to do is find someone to fall in love with, and then we can marry and live happily ever after. We are not educated regarding what it takes for a marital commitment to be sound, workable, and sustainable. As I said earlier, love is necessary but, in this case, it is not enough.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I am in my mid-thirties, have been married for three years and have an infant daughter. While I was pregnant, my husband told me that he was no longer happy in our relationship. I found out later that he had an affair while I was pregnant. We have continued to grow further apart after he confessed to having this affair. He has been hinting for several months that he wants some time alone to sort out his feelings. Three weeks ago he moved out of our home and says he is still trying to figure out what he wants from life. I see him two or three times a week when he comes to see our daughter. My dilemma now is – do I allow him to decide what happens next and just wait for him to make up his mind? I want us to talk about what’s bothering him and get some counseling but he doesn’t want to talk about it. He says that he needs time for things to “calm down.” I have been very calm and have held back from screaming and yelling and crying so we can move on to repair our relationship. I have told him that if he is having a relationship with someone else he is not welcome back in our home, but he swears that he is not seeing anyone. I have thought about ending our marriage but feel it would be unfair to our daughter to end the relationship without a fight, not to mention the fact that I do love this man and want nothing more than to have a happy family life. I am very confused. What should I do?
Dr. Norquist responds:
This must be an incredibly difficult time for you with your husband leaving the home just after you gave birth. Pregnancy and birth are times when most women hope and expect to feel happy and connected with their husbands. This is a time when you need support. Hopefully you have family and friends who can be there for you. You have not given me any information on the relationship before you got pregnant, so I do not know if there were earlier problems that came to a head when you were pregnant, or, if this came up seemingly out of nowhere. If there were prior problems, it’s possible that your husband’s recognition of the depth of commitment and responsibility that parenting requires of both parents intensified his prior ambivalence about the marriage. Alternatively, your pregnancy may have stirred earlier unresolved issues in your husband (having little to do with your relationship) that interfere with his ability to comfortably take on the responsibility and commitment of parenting and building a family life together. Either way, it would be helpful for him to seek outside help. Marital counseling may not be useful until he has more understanding and is clearer about his own reactions. In the meantime, try to do your best to attend to your needs, and those of your daughter. Make sure your reservoir is full enough so that you can mother your daughter without feeling overly drained. Try to focus on enjoying this special time when your baby is so new and open, and changing every day. Make sure you get the support you need emotionally and physically. Reach out to your friends and family for a listening ear, love, and time off to rest and recuperate. You need not put yourself in a place of "waiting" for your husband’s response. For now, just focus on what needs to be done, step by step, day by day, as each day unfolds. Over time, it will be clear how you want to proceed with regard to your marriage.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 205, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, swedish and therapeutic massage, naturopathic medicine, hypnosis, yoga, meditation, Bach Flower Remedies, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Art Therapy, reflexology, Reiki, Shiatsu, Cranial Sacral Therapy, Alexander Technique, and Jin Shin Do. Ó 2000 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center