Sure. Some people don’t need any help with their fashion sense. Some people can drop thousands on size 2 Prada separates and look elegant. Some people can pull off the daring duds Patricia Field hands them and still charmingly send up their sex lives (or the ones writers imagine for them) weekly on HBO. But sometimes, those people end up dead on the bottom of the ocean or married to closeted gay men. This is the real world, where we’re not all size 2 (or at least, not both our tops and our bottoms), where we at least aim for stable relationships, and yes, we live on for season after season of bad wardrobe decisions. Well, the Current is here to help. Sure, as I write this, I’m wearing a fashion no-no (unflattering overalls that no matter how extra large, will never make a big girl like me look cute), but I have a good excuse: I’m pregnant. But I know what you should wear. Better yet, I know what you shouldn’t. Don’t tie it, don’t dye it I know, I know, it’s hippie chic all over the place. Go ahead, do the ethnic print pants, the little multicolored beaded bags, lose all the support you want. Just do the world a favor and walk right past this rack at your favorite shop: the tie-dyes. That’s so 1988, don’t you think? Sure, it may look cool after a blotter hit, but it doesn’t look good on you. To avoid at all costs: tie-dyed denim. It may seem like the clever remains of a tried and true process, but here’s what it really is: another road back to acid wash. Do you really want to go there again? The dumpy look Everyone who wears it looks great: Jennifer Lopez in floral print tulle; Shalom Harlow in ruffled cuffs and collars; Pamela Anderson Lee in a oversized pink furry hat. Just remember, they already look good, so good that they have to wear something ugly just so we don’t go blind. Not to demean our readership, but we’re not distributed on Seventh Ave. The best plan is to wear something that enhances your good features, hides the bad ones, and doesn’t draw the eye away from, say, a burning building. A few words about color Don’t know what to pick out of this season’s tropical forest-like array of colors? Here’s one rule to live by: if a color scheme is associated with a fast food chain – local or national – don’t use it to coordinate an outfit. No brown and orange, no red and yellow, nothing that suggests extra pickles. It’s going to be tricky this year, as we edge closer and closer to the hues one used to see at the Limited in the “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” era, but just remember: include at least one neutral (black, navy or tan) in every outfit. Is it tulle time? No, it’s not! Peekaboo, I see you! Or your upper chest, midriff or back. That’s what happens when you wear clothing with tulle panels. Though I’m inclined to say, “If you’ve got it, flaunt it,” this resurgence of tulle filled cutouts disturbs me. It’s like sandals with pantyhose: tacky. If you really want us to see more parts, wear skimpier clothes. Heaven knows there are plenty of those out there. A final word of warning My coworkers and I are not always in agreement. Sometimes it gets quite heated at the Current office. But there is no rift so wide as the one over men and sandals. My colleague on page five is an unapologetic advocate. But let me tell you the truth. Sandals for men are hideous, obese contraptions, made even less appealing by the addition of the outsized, bony, hairy, smelly male tootsie. Men: cover your feet if you have any aspirations toward looking good. I will allow the occasional flip flop or Teva if the need arises (I can appreciate the need for ventilation as well as anyone), but no woven leather disasters. And I mean it!
Our Digital Archive from 2000 – 2016
