Dear Dr. Norquist: All of my life I’ve had a problem with not feeling good about myself. I settle for whatever comes my way because I’m afraid to tell people what I really want.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
All of my life I’ve had a problem with not feeling good about myself. I settle for whatever comes my way because I’m afraid to tell people what I really want. People treat me as if it doesn’t matter what I think – and I put up with it (although inside I feel hurt and angry). I’m afraid to speak up for myself. I’m afraid I’ll be seen as selfish or immature if I speak up when what I need is being disregarded. I’ve been told I need to love myself more – but that sounds selfish to me. How can I have better self-esteem without worrying about being selfish?
Dr. Norquist responds:
The idea that it is selfish or egotistical to love ourselves stems from a misunderstanding of love and of who we are. Genuine self-love does not result in feeling better than or less than others. Genuine self-love is the great equalizer. It results in feeling more connected with both others and ourselves. From a place of genuine self-love, we can feel our oneness with others. From this place, another’s pain is our pain. In its highest expression, self-love uncovers the experience of our own divinity. The notion of self-love being selfish stems from a false conception of self-love. The false nature of this is evident in its results; feeling different than, better than, fearful of what others think, a sense of hierarchy, etc. This kind of "self-love" comes from a closed heart, and from a sense of limitation, fear, and insecurity. This is an expression of a wounded place that needs love to heal.
You have a responsibility to honor, love and respect yourself, just as you would others. See all as worthy. Would you want to treat others as if it didn’t matter what they thought or felt? With this new concept of self-love in mind, ask yourself why it is OK to treat yourself this way. Practice treating yourself with the same love and consideration you would give your own child. Sometimes, doing this requires speaking up in your own behalf. Remember that in treating yourself with respect, you are honoring God. You are not making these changes in order to be more lovable. Rather, you are perfectly lovable just as you are. You need to start making your behavior congruent with this truth.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I am a 31-year-old female who is in love with a great guy, but I can’t seem to get my self to make love to him again. I can’t get away from my nightmares. I was raped several years ago, and my nightmares keep coming back when we get close. So my question is how do I make myself get close to him without feeling those bad feelings? I hope you can help.
Dr. Norquist responds:
In some ways it’s advantageous that your nightmares are returning. It’s easier to resolve old traumas when they are stirred up again, and at the foreground rather than lying dormant, shut down, or in a state of denial. Your desire for intimacy requires a sense of emotional safety that you cannot allow yourself to feel, because of the prior trauma. This would be a wonderful time for you to seek professional help, to "strike while the iron is hot," so to speak. There is a technique called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) that is very helpful in resolving the emotional residue of past traumatic experiences. This has been documented both through clients’ self-reports, as well as an array of research studies. EMDR is done by therapists as part of the counseling session, and can often be short-term work. For more information, contact the EMDR organization at EMDR Institute, Inc., PO Box 51010, Pacific Grove, CA 93950 Telephone: (831) 372-3900 extension 16. Their Internet address is http://www.emdr.com/ and their
Email address is inst@emdr.com.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 205, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com, by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, swedish and therapeutic massage, naturopathic medicine, hypnosis, yoga, meditation, Bach Flower Remedies, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Art Therapy, reflexology, Reiki, Shiatsu, Cranial Sacral Therapy, Alexander Technique, and Jin Shin Do. Ó 2000 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center