Dear Dr. Norquist: My boyfriend went away for a week on a mission trip. Ever since he has gotten back, I haven’t felt as close to him as I did before he left.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
My boyfriend went away for a week on a mission trip. Ever since he has gotten back, I haven’t felt as close to him as I did before he left. He tells me he loves me, but I don’t feel as though that is true. I asked him if anything was wrong and he says there isn’t. I guess my question is, how do I go about talking to him about it and should I be as worried as I am?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Sometimes we assume the other has changed when we don’t feel as close to them, when really the change came from inside ourselves. Look carefully to see if his behavior towards you is the same. Use your intuition to sense what he seems to be feeling towards you, and how congruent his behavior is with what he seems to be feeling. Then turn within to see what thoughts and feelings have been coursing through your mind, when they started, and what the triggers were. Sometimes separation from a loved one can trigger earlier abandonment or loss fears, causing us to pull away from our loved ones, in an effort to feel less vulnerable to hurt or loss. If we are not aware of doing this, it can look to us like the other has changed, when really we are the ones who closed our heart to the other. If this is the case for you, you might find confirmation of this through recalling subconscious thoughts, feelings or memories that started drifting through your mind when he left, or while he was gone. Once you have sorted through your thoughts and perceptions, as suggested above, find an appropriate time to talk with your boyfriend about your feelings. Share from your heart, and he will be more likely to be able to hear you and respond honestly to your fears.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I have been dating a wonderful and sweet man for almost two years, and he has problems performing sexually.