Dear Dr. Norquist: I’m very disappointed in and angry with my daughter. She is in 8th grade, and has always been an excellent student until now. Yesterday I received 3 warning notices from her school regarding her grades.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’m very disappointed in and angry with my daughter. She is in 8th grade, and has always been an excellent student until now. Yesterday I received 3 warning notices from her school regarding her grades. I was shocked and spent 30 minutes yelling at her. She tells me she had finished her homework but her teachers report otherwise. She has been spending most of her time playing and socializing with friends, on the computer and watching TV. This is the first time I’ve seen her so happy since our move here 2 years ago, so I have not been curtailing her activities. Her friends appear to be good kids. I’m just hurt and angry that she has been lazy and irresponsible about her schoolwork. I’m worried that she will blow her chances for getting into a good college (or any college). I also feel that this is my fault and her father’s fault for not disciplining her enough.
Dr. Norquist responds:
As a parent, I can understand your feelings of disappointment and self-blame. What would be useful here is to start with an attitude of compassionate acceptance – toward yourself and your daughter, for who you are and who your daughter is and where you each of you are in your journey through the school of life. Acceptance doesn’t mean one should not strive for improvement in the direction indicated. It’s just that an attitude of condemnation is not necessary and makes the path upward longer and more difficult. Goals must be set, and expectations made clear – but this can be done without condemnation or withdrawing your love.
Your daughter needs structure to encourage her and support her in taking responsibility for doing a good job with her studies. See how you can make her after-school environment more conducive to studying. Set down new rules and expectations that are in alignment with this. For example, homework has to be done and shown to you before she can engage in other activities. If necessary, talk with her teachers to get their perceptions of her needs, and to engage their support. Look at all the factors involved and see what you can do to provide structure that encourages good grades. Does she understand the work? Is she getting enough sleep? Is it clear to her how serious you are about her schoolwork – how important you believe it is? The goal, ultimately, is to encourage her in finding the motivation and desire to do a good job within herself – not just to please or appease external sources of approval.
I believe our children come to us with their own gifts and life challenges. Our job as parents is to help them to grow into who they already are in the fullest, least compromised way possible. We need to learn to love them unconditionally, and to support, rather than stifle their spirits – their will to grow, create and express who they are and what they have to offer the world. I also believe that as parents, we need to teach compassion through example rather than through words. We are all souls in the process of refinement – with our own needs and idiosyncrasies. I like the way Kahil Gibran describes it – “Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.” Approached meaningfully, parenting is like a fire that melts our hard edges and transforms us on the inside through its lessons about love, acceptance, and letting go. It shows us our egos, gives us multifaceted experiences of the nature of loving, and teaches us one of life’s biggest lessons – the ability to know how and when to let go.