(Dr. Norquist is on vacation this week. We are re-running letters that were published earlier in this column)
Dear Dr. Norquist:
My husband and I seem to have stopped communicating. Small things keep getting blown out of proportion. For example, we can be disagreeing about making plans for the weekend, and then he’ll bring up all of these small things that happened a long time ago. As a result, he’ll feel he should get his way. He also uses this approach when he’s done something that upsets me. He will bring up everything I’ve done in the past instead of dealing with the issue at hand.
I’ve insisted we get help but he thinks we can work it out. He doesn’t want anyone else knowing we have problems. Can you give me any suggestions? When we disagree, I try to not place any blame and only point out how I’m feeling about a situation. It doesn’t seem to work. He believes that someone is always right and the other person is wrong.
Dr. Norquist responds:
I’d ask that you and your husband consider the following concepts. A marriage is a commitment to partnership. The question behind your responses should be: “what do I want to create here?” Out of defensiveness and anger, marital “partners” can develop habitual responses to each other that mostly have to do with being right, or getting their own way. Stop and ask yourself what this response creates. If being right and getting your way is the ultimate goal, then there is not much to build on in terms of the partnership. In this instance, our partners become someone to push against, compete with, dominate or be dominated by, and therefore this is the kind of relationship we create. If the goal is using the partnership to grow and develop as individuals and in our ability to share intimacy with one another, then the response must be one that leads the two of you in this direction.
Each moment we have opportunities to consciously choose how we will respond to our partners. Through our responses, we are sculpting our relationships. We are all artists, creating our lives and relationships on a daily basis. How exciting (and enlivening) it would be if we consciously woke up to this awareness and took responsibility for our creations, moment to moment!
From this perspective, if one of you gets your way at the other’s expense, both of you are losing. What if you both made supporting your partner’s happiness one of the priorities behind your responses? How would it feel to be in this kind of partnership? What is the highest response you could make? Treat your relationship as sacred, and it will become sacred.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
My boyfriend and I are celebrating our one and a half-year anniversary. We’re very much in love and have a wonderful relationship. He and I can talk about anything to each other. But the reason I am asking for your advice is because I feel I have a sexual problem. The first year of having sex was fine for me, but then it seemed I didn’t want it anymore. I love sharing those moments with my boyfriend, but it’s always like he wants sex more than I do. I don’t know if there is something wrong with me or what. My boyfriend has never done anything to hurt me or has never put me down. I love having sex, but only when I’m in the mood (and that isn’t too often). My boyfriend thinks it’s something he’s done, but it’s not. I come from a family that is strict Roman Catholic, and I have been told not to engage in pre-marital sex. How will I ever know why I can’t enjoy sex like I used to?
Dr. Norquist responds:
The sexual act can so powerful, complex, and misunderstood. Sex can be incredibly intimate, and even a vehicle for spiritual experiences if it is seen as sacred, and engaged in with love, devotion and deep respect, or it can be a means of abuse, if done with domination, control, anger, and a lack of respect. It can lead to a feeling of deep vulnerability or hurt, because it can touch us so deeply. Safety, respect and acceptance are important conditions for sexual contact to be truly intimate. And yet – sex is also a natural part of life, an instinct that unfolds, like a flower naturally opens as it matures. We can see it all around us – in nature – especially at this time of year.
The natural aspect of feeling sexual can be distorted by notions we unconsciously pick up from our family’s beliefs/feelings about sex, and by what we are taught through our culture and religion. Women in particular can unconsciously pick up ideas such as “good women aren’t sexual”, “it’s bad/dirty to feel sexual”, “it’s not safe to feel sexual”, etc. These are insidious, easy to overlook, subconscious beliefs. Practice trying to notice such subconscious thoughts, particularly after you have turned off your sexual feelings. Then consciously replace them with positive, affirming thoughts.
The natural aspect of feeling sexual can also be distorted in a relationship by behavior that encourages not feeling emotionally (or physically) safe, not feeling accepted, feeling dominated, feeling like your feelings/needs aren’t heard or respected, feeling a demand to perform, etc. These are issues that need to be talked about, and dealt with in the relationship. Sometimes, just returning to cuddling, and other ways of being intimate, without the expectation of sex, can help both partners to find their common ground and reconnect. Of course, past negative, hurtful, abusive sexual experiences also distort the natural state of feeling sexual.
Feeling sexual is a state of mind. Learn what conditions – environmentally, interpersonally, physically and mentally help you to be in this state. Practice allowing yourself to be in this state, in the experience of feeling sexual, so that you can become more familiar with and comfortable in this state, and can more easily allow yourself to move into this state at will.