Dear Dr. Norquist: We moved to a new school system one year ago, and started our son in the 3rd grade in the local school. Over time, I’ve noticed that he is becoming more and more excluded by most of his classmates. He calls to invite them over and is usually turned down. Now he has started to hold himself apart from the others and not join in with group activities. One-on-one he seems to do fine. But lately he has started talking about how no one likes him, even saying “Everybody hates me.” He often feels rejected by his classmates. This breaks my heart. He is quiet, kind and quite sensitive. I’ve spoken with his teacher about this, so she is trying to support and encourage him. I stay up at night feeling hurt that he has to deal with this rejection. What can I do? Dr. Norquist responds: Sometimes we feel our children’s pain even more than they do. We attach worries from our own experiences to our perception of their pain, and can easily make the burden of their pain much heavier for us than it is for our children. We cannot always protect our children from pain. Pain is an inevitable part of life. If you can embrace this pain, it changes into a deeper experience of life itself. As a mother, your role here is to guide your son in his perceptions of and understanding of this situation. The easiest internal response on your part would be to feel angry at and critical of the classmates who you feel are hurting your son. But what are the consequences of this response? What state does it leave you in, and what does it teach your son? Help your son to understand why some children may act rejecting towards others. Help him to see that we all have similar fears and insecurities. All are worthy of being treated with kindness, despite their behavior. We are all worthy of love. Do your best to help your son to experience his worth and his loveableness through how you listen to him, how you respond to his needs and what your words or actions convey to him. When one feels “I am as good as another,” the world responds accordingly. Remember, our children have their own paths, their own lessons to learn. We can do our best to assist and guide them, but we do not have control over what their lessons in life will be. The highest response we can learn and we can guide our children to learn, is to respond with love, towards themselves as well as towards others. Dear Dr. Norquist: My husband of 20 years suddenly left me. He started an affair with a younger woman at his worksite, and left me for the other woman. I was totally caught off guard. I can’t believe he did this to me. I was always good to him. Now he says he’s not so sure, and that he wants to start seeing me as well as this younger woman. I can’t stop thinking of him and what he did to me. I tried “dating” him, but then he pulled away again. He is not able to make a commitment and stick to it. He is very lost and confused. There are no children involved. We saw a counselor and she didn’t think the relationship could work. I know I need to walk away from this, but I can’t seem to let go. I’m obsessed with my anger and my desire to get him back from the other woman. I can’t seem to get out of this pattern. This has been going on for 16 months now. Dr. Norquist responds: This is not an easy task, after 20 years of sharing life with someone – especially when separation was not your choice, and you had no forewarning. The fact that your husband is ambivalent makes it even more difficult. In order for it to work out between you and your husband, he has to let go of his affair and make a commitment to working things out with you. A relationship requires a commitment from both parties. You cannot do this dance alone. It seems he is not able to make the necessary commitment to your marriage. It is not healthy for you to continue to hold on to something that is not mutual. Letting go means facing your insecurities and fears and walking through them, step by step. To not do so at this point is only to create more misery for yourself. Rebirth cannot occur until you allow what is past to die. Anger can be enticing, and can continue to bind you to the past. Try to discipline yourself to let go of angry thoughts. To dwell on this is like feeding yourself a poisonous diet. Do not allow yourself to do this. Treat yourself with kindness and patience. Death and rebirth are a part of life, whether we like it or not. Allow yourself to go through the mourning process so that you can greet the new in your life. (Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.) Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 205, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, swedish and therapeutic massage, naturopathic medicine, hypnosis, yoga, meditation, Bach Flower Remedies, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Art Therapy, reflexology, Reiki, Shiatsu, Cranial Sacral Therapy, Alexander Technique, and Jin Shin Do. 2000 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center