Driving Miss Siggy
Sunday was a sad day of remembrance of 9/11. My thoughts were with the victims as well as my former colleagues with whom I worked in the North Tower of the WTC. After such a somber day of tears, it was a relief to have some levity courtesy of the RHONJ characters.
In this episode, we got to see into some of Siggy’s family relationships. Her daughter, Sophie, was off on a trip and her son, Josh, got his driver’s license. He makes it known that he now expects to be given a car. Even though she had very little growing up, Siggy acknowledges that she over-indulges her children. “I have a Smurf collection,” she tells us to illustrate the differences in privilege between her childhood and theirs.
Later on, Siggy goes out to dinner with Josh to celebrate his birthday. Siggy’s ex-husband and his new wife and toddler son join them. Not only that, but we learn that Siggy actually played matchmaker in hooking her ex and the new wife up! I’m friends with my ex too, but I draw the line at fixing him up with a younger girlfriend. But Siggy is proud to let us know that she and the new wife are good friends. That would never happen if an Italian girl was involved in the equation. Somewhere along the line someone would wake up with a horse’s head as a pillow.
Oh, by the way, Siggy does buy Josh a new car by the end of the episode. Apparently, Siggy must’ve sold her Smurf collection on eBay for a tidy sum.
Meanwhile, Dolores is having issues with her own son, Frankie, who never spends any time at home. He’s always going out to eat with his friends. But he’s got a good excuse – there’s no working kitchen in the house. Hey, a boy’s gotta eat, right, ma? Dolores has to make nice with her business partner, Maz, because she hasn’t shown up at the gym that they own together in quite a while. Well, we know Dolores isn’t spending her time cooking, so what’s her excuse? Guess she’s too busy going over to the Wakile house and meddling in the freeze-out Teresa has given her cousins, Kathy and Rosie. “When Italians fight, it’s like a war, and then they don’t remember why the war started,” Dolores tells us. But, as she reminds us, they always show up for the funeral when the person they’re feuding with dies. This I know firsthand because there was always a relative who was feuding with another relative in my family and we never knew what the issue was – but if one of them died, the other was going to show up at the wake even if it was 30 years after they stopped talking to each other.
Melissa and Joe Gorga are still navigating the choppy waters of her going to work at her boutique and him having to play Mr. Mom. After making the kids their lunch to bring to school, Joe tells them, “You better start making your own sandwiches.” As soon as Melissa gets home from the boutique, Joe shepherds her into a room to set her straight. “I wasn’t brought up to do this,” he scolds her for forcing him to be a parent. Melissa gives it right back to him: “You’re so friggin’ old school. I think your mother dropped you on your head when you were little.” That’s probably how the poison got loose and spread throughout his body.
“You bring in crumbs; I bring in the cake,” he counters. Oh, snap – and guess who’s not getting any poison released from his body that night?
Later, Siggy talks with Melissa about Joe’s challenging behavior. She thinks he’ll rise to the occasion in taking on more responsibilities around the house. “He’ll put on an apron. I’ve seen him in a dress,” Siggy rationalizes. Yeah, we all saw that when Joe modeled a red dress at his wife’s boutique a few episodes ago. He looked like he could be in a sequel to The Danish Girl called The Guido Girl. Melissa tries to do her part to restore harmony in the marriage by cooking a nice Sunday dinner of macaronis and meatballs to which she invites her family. Joe loves this, exclaiming, “Thank you, Jesus, there’s a home cooked meal. There hasn’t been one in months.” They all sit down to eat and Melissa asks her little son, Joey, to say grace. “I don’t think I have a grace,“ he replies. Well, your father doesn’t have any grace either, kid, so the meatball doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Meanwhile, Joe Giudice’s time to go to prison is drawing near and he’s trying to come to terms with it. His attorney visits the house and advises Joe not to be so nice when he’s in jail because the inmates might take advantage of him. Joe, who’s been drinking heavily of late, tries to see the upside of having to spend time in the pokey. “It’ll definitely be good for my liver.” Maybe so, Joe, but there may be another part of your body it won’t be so good for. Just ask your prison mates, Big Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
Joe and Tre are making the most of their limited time left and they go for a Thai yoga massage together. He tells the therapists that his wife has been making him eat healthy food like “mussel sprouts,” which he then corrects to “Brussels sprouts.” Uh, Joe, I’m not sure what could be sprouting from mussels, but I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be good to put in your mouth. During the yoga session, Joe tells his wife that their kids knew where she really was when she was “away,” even though she told them she was working on a book. Maybe that book was supposed to be The Cat in the Can. She’s upset to learn the kids knew she was in the Big House – and we’re not talking about the one with a sweeping staircase that they live in. Joe brings her to reality by informing her that the kids have computers and they can look things up. Still, Teresa insists she really was working on a book, which we now know is the book she’s currently peddling, Turning the Tables.
The episode draws to a close at Teresa’s book signing where everyone shows up. Joe Giudice looks more uncomfortable in a book store than Anthony Weiner in a convent. Kathy Wakile and her sister, Rosie, surprise Teresa and give her a book to sign. Then Rosie asks Teresa if the three of them can go to lunch sometime. Teresa is about as thrilled to do that as Taylor Swift would be to attend a Kanye West fashion show. Teresa tells us that she’s not dying to go out with family members that stab you in the back. I hear you, Tre. You might as well wait for some funeral to get together.
There was one touching scene in the episode where Teresa and her daughters went to Jacqueline’s house and the girls played with Nicholas, Jacq’s autistic son. We got to see the sensitive side of Milania, who was very sweet with Nick. And, it looked like Tre and Jacqueline were having a lovefest, judging from the greeting Jacq gave to her friend when she entered the room. Jacq jumped into Tre’s arms, hooked her legs around her, and nearly climbed her. Uh, cool it, Jacqueline – I think Teresa must’ve had enough of that stuff in “camp.”
Next week: It looks like Tre and her cousins actually do meet up, but the bigger news is that Ashlee’s boyfriend proposes! I wonder if he’ll put a ring on it, or a hat.
Eileen Budd is a comedienne and writer who is currently working on an anthology of true stories of mid-life daters. If you have a dating story that happened to you (funny, inspiring, or downright weird), please send it to: datingover40tales@gmail.com.