The Real Housewives of New Jersey – Season 7, Episode 5

Dinner Interrupted
The big event of the episode was the never-got-to dinner conversation between Teresa and Jacqueline at the Laurita house. But more on that in a minute. Here’s a rundown of the obligatory side stories this episode.
The Gorga Children Walk the Talk
Melissa and Joe are proud that their three children are selected to walk the runway in Fashion Week. Melissa calls Teresa to gloat – er, to invite Teresa and her little wiseacre daughter, Milania, to attend the show. Teresa is right in the middle of showing Milania how to do yoga who responds appreciatively, “It’s so stupid.” After rolling around on the floor a bit, Milania laments, “I think I just broke my butt.” Spoken like a true yoganista, girlfriend. Teresa confirms they’ll attend the show, adding, “Cool beans,” which is what all the trendsetter girls say in seventh grade – if it happens to be 1978.
The kids walk the show and are a big hit. Afterwards, everyone goes out to dinner where little Joey Gorga pronounces, “I love everybody at this table.” Aww, good thing you included Auntie Teresa, kid, or she would’ve flipped that table.
Siggy and the Heart-to-Heart Talk
Siggy has a little pow-wow with her teenage son and daughter who abuse their privileges like using the phone during class and letting people over to party when they’re staying at their dad’s, but he’s not home. Siggy lovingly tells her son, Josh, “You’re so difficult. If I would’ve known when I was in labor, I would’ve shoved you back in.” Ewww – just what every teenage boy wants to hear from his mother.
Dolores and the Pep Talk
Dolores tells her ex, Frank, about all the things she wants for the house that he’s expected to pay for despite being divorced for 17 years. She’s also been dealing with her beloved dog, Boo, who’s ailing from kidney failure. “I would give this dog my kidney,” Dolores declares. What she really means is she would tell Frank to give his kidney to the dog. We learn that Frank, a former competitive bodybuilder, was once crowned Mr. New Jersey. What do you have to do for that title – bench-press 500 lbs.of gold chains?
Dolores co-owns a couple gyms with her ex, but she also has her very own gym with another business partner, Maz. In their business meeting, Maz warns her that if they don’t get more gym members, she’s going to have to dig into her pockets to pay the bills. He also expects her to show up at the gym more – like three or four times a week. That’s a little too demanding, Maz. Dolores needs time to go shopping for all the leopard print items her ex has to pay for. She acknowledges that she’s out of shape because she has a spare tire around her waist. But, like a true friend, Maz boosts her ego by telling her, “You look good for an old lady.”
Jacqueline and the Big Talk
Joe and Teresa get ready to go to Jacqueline’s and Chris’s house for dinner, but not before Joe playfully chases his young daughters around the house. The scene is reminiscent of Vito Corleone chasing his grandson through the tomato plants with an orange peel in his mouth – only Joe probably has a slab of gabagool against his teeth instead. As the girls roughhouse with each other on the floor, Joe calls out to one, “C’mon, kick her butt.” I bet he had 10-to-1 odds on Milania as the victor.
As Teresa primps at her vanity table circa 1930, Joe is doing his own primping by going to the wine cellar and filling a suitcase full of bottles. Then he goes to the spare fridge and pulls out a giant chunk of prosciutto and adds that too. He rolls that suitcase in to the Laurita’s like he’s about to be the host of Deal or No Deal. Everyone seems happy to see each other acknowledging that there has been more than a year’s gap since their last get together. Leaving Teresa and Jacqueline alone in the kitchen, Joe and Chris go into another room to catch up over a glass of wine and a tray of cured meats. The calm before the storm is over before Joe can stuff another wad of Soppressata into a hunk of bread,.
At first, Jacq and Tre make nice with Teresa emphasizing that she just wants peace. She claims she doesn’t want to rehash the past, but she does accuse everyone of ganging up on her before she went to “camp.” Jacq tells her to hold on, that’s not how it went down. Then Jacq proceeds to stir more than the pot of gravy simmering on the stove.
Tre tells her, “There’s a disconnect between you and me. My real friends knew what was going on.” Jacq isn’t having it. She tells the camera, “She had all this time to sit in a cell. She’s still a victim.” Then she takes it to the next level by informing Teresa that even her own brother, Joe Gorga, told her not to trust his sister. Teresa challenges that by saying that her brother told her not to trust Jacqueline. Jacqueline has the meatballs to call Joe Gorga right in front of Teresa to confirm what he said, but he tries to wiggle out of being pinned down.
Now Teresa is incensed that Jacqueline got her brother involved. What’s more, she’s still claiming she didn’t know that she was doing anything illegal at the time she got in trouble. But, Jacqueline isn’t buying the stupid cannoli cookbook that Teresa’s selling. Teresa tries to justify her situation by appealing to Jacq with their similar problems. “You were going through legal issues,” Teresa asserts. “I didn’t file for fraudulent bankruptcy,” Jacqueline counters. As Beyonce might say, “Uh oh, uh oh.”
Chris hands us a cautionary tale, “Things go bad when husbands separate from their wives.” Remember that, gentlemen, the next time you decide to wander off while you’re waiting for your spouse outside the women’s fitting room at T.J. Max.
Teresa summons her hubby and starts to leave in a huff. In the few seconds before their exit, this bit of dialogue is exchanged, which clearly illustrates the difference between how women and men think:
Teresa: “People do a lot of crazy things.”
Jacqueline: “You would know.”
Chris: “We have a lot of food left.”
Joe: “I was friggin’ hungry.”

Jacqueline sums it all up with, “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of my kitchen.” Bye, Felicia.

On the way home in the car, Joe offers up his honest assessment of the situation. “She’s a bitch. Fuhgeddaboutit.” Teresa responds, “I gotta do yoga.”


The Straight Talk

Next episode: We find out who has the bigger cojones. My money is on Milania.

Eileen Budd is a comedienne and writer who is currently working on an anthology of true stories of mid-life daters. If you have a dating story that happened to you (funny, inspiring, or downright weird), please send it to:

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