A Life to Envy
This week, a shorter recap so you have time to do something more productive, like taking a photo of a curled potato chip that looks like Kylie Jenner’s lips and posting it on Instagram. Teresa’s book, “Turning the Tables; From Housewife to Inmate and Back Again”
Teresa goes in to record the audio version of her new book. She cries as she reads the dedication to her daughters. Her producer’s patience grows thin as she takes longer to read the book than her entire term in prison. She meets with her publishers and looks at photos where her hair is in “corn rolls” as she puts it. She probably meant “cornrows,” but, then again, maybe in prison she learned a new do where she wrapped her hair around dinner rolls.
The grand opening of Melissa’s boutique, Envy
Joe argues with Melissa over having to take care of the kids while she’s getting the store ready. He wants her to come home because he has to take care of some business issue. Later, they talk business so she can prove she’s as business savvy as her caveman husband. “I could be sitting on the coach watching Oprah,” Melissa informs us to prove that she isn’t some idle stay-at-home. Oprah hasn’t had a talk show for five years, so maybe if she wants to make a reference to some mind-numbing TV show, she should use The Real Housewives of New Jersey.
The opening night is a Red Carpet event with Joe posing with Melissa for the cameras. He tells the press, “I lost some weight because of a lot of boom-boom in the bedroom.” Talk about poor Melissa paying her dues… In the car ride to the event, Gia asks her mother, Teresa, if she’s nervous about all the media that will be there. Teresa tells her daughter, “I know how to handle the press.” Yeah, Teresa, just charge them $5 for every photo they take of you, like the cartoon characters in Times Square.
Everyone shows up including Kathy and Rosie, who have been so marginalized this season that they might as well have had two coatracks fill in for them. Jacqueline makes the effort to attend the event even though she feels the need to let everyone know that she’s “bleeding like a cow” because it’s her time of the month. Just be sure you don’t try on any of the clothes, Jacqueline.
Speaking of trying on clothes, several people model a few outfits from the store including coatrack Rosie and Joe Gorga, who prances out in a bright red form-fitting dress. Guess he proved that cavemen can have fashion sense too. My first thought was, I feel sorry for the poor girl that tries on that dress after Joe’s “poison” might have gotten on it.
The opening is a huge success, which I’m sure pleased even Melissa’s business partner, Jackie, who showed up in a pink fur jacket and black tutu looking like a cross between a stick of cotton candy and the Black Swan. Who would’ve thought that Jacqueline’s daughter, Ashlee, was the most perceptive of the group? Referring to Teresa’s attendance at the event, she cautions, “Teresa 2.0 is just a publicity stunt because she just got out of jail.” That Ashlee ain’t just talking out of her hat – mostly because she seems to have lost hers.
Parenting challenges and mother/daughter bonding
Dolores is getting a hot flash while she talks to her daughter about her plans to become a vet. I was a little freaked out watching the daughter wash what appeared to be a guinea pig in a plastic tub. I couldn’t tell if it was a rabbit or something that fell off of a fur coat of one of the housewives. Siggy tells her young teen daughter that she can’t wear all the makeup and the tight clothes she has on. She yells to her daughter, who is sporting a short crop top, “That shirt – give it to me. I’m gonna give it to a two-year-old.” It was so small, it looked like it might not even fit a Cabbage Patch doll. Then she goes in to have a nice conversation about hickeys with her son.
Later, Dolores, Siggy, and their daughters have a bonding day by going rock climbing. They are joined by Teresa and daughter, Gabriella. Gabriella is the quiet one who seems to always be silently questioning how she ever got stuck in the Giudice family. As Teresa lovingly strokes her daughter’s head, Gabriella responds affectionately, “Don’t touch my hair.” Maybe she’s afraid Teresa will make “corn rolls” out of it.
Despite wearing fashionable wedgies instead of sensible sneakers, Teresa scales the rock wall like a pro. Perhaps she had practice trying to scale those prison walls – er, I mean camp.
Jacqueline and Chris starting a new business
Jacqueline and husband Chris talk about the tough time they’ve had financially of late. They’ve tried to sell their house, but each time, there’s something else they have to fix. Chris focuses on the important thing in their relationship though – her boobs. In the midst of their serious discussion, Chris cops a feel, giving them a good squeeze. I think whoever gave them the piece of advice “as long as there is something to hold onto, there is hope,” may not have been referring to mammaries.
Nonetheless, the Lauritas are embarking on a new popcorn business called “The Little Kernel.” Here’s what I’d like to know: Where did they get the money to start the new business? I think Chris Laurita is the one who should be writing books – about how we all can be entrepreneurs with no money. Well, good luck to them with the popcorn business. Good thing there aren’t any other popcorn snacks out there.
Teresa and Joe’s relationship
Throughout the episode, there are allegations of Joe’s cheating on Teresa. Even Siggy confronts her with what the tabloids are saying. Teresa dismisses the rumors, because she believes in the sanctity of their marriage. In an intimate moment of trust, Teresa cuts Joe’s toenails. Funny, I didn’t know manatees have nails… Teresa gets repulsed by eating sprinkle cookies, yet Joe’s toenails are flying like shrapnel. Go figure. And, if you think that’s bad, Joe had his young daughter, Milania, shave his back while Tre was at “camp”. I bet that kid’s gonna grow up to be a zookeeper.
Tre and Joe practice yoga and we are treated to a scene where he confuses “downward dog” with “doggie style.” Joe jokes with Teresa, “Loosen my nuts up.” Uh, Joe, that’s something you may not want to say when you go to “camp” and you’re practicing yoga with your cell mate, Diablo. Teresa tells Joe about the cheating rumors circling and warns him that she’ll have no forgiveness if he cheats on her. He grunts and rebuts her admonishment with, “You should be happy I eat a lot of garlic, so I’m not kissing anyone else.” Let’s hope Diablo doesn’t like garlic.
The episode ends with Chris Laurita inviting Teresa and Joe to dinner.
Next episode: Something’s cooking at the Lauritas and it looks like the pasta isn’t the only thing about to boil over. Never mind the garlic, it’s the words coming out of Jacqueline’s mouth that might put Teresa off. “I wouldn’t file fraudulent bankruptcy like you did,” Jacq tells her. Oh, no she didn’t…
Eileen Budd is a comedienne and writer who is currently working on an anthology of true stories of mid-life daters. If you have a dating story that happened to you (funny, inspiring, or downright weird), please send it to: datingover40tales@gmail.com.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey – Season 7, Episode 4
