Dear Dr. Norquist:
How can you tell if someone is showings signs of an abusive nature? It seems every relationship I have been in turns out to be abusive. I was lucky to get out of my first marriage with my life (really). All of the men I have dated since then turned out to be abusive (though not as much as my first marriage). Could you tell me why I am constantly ending up in abusive relationships? It is not for lack of trying to find a nice man.
Dr. Norquist responds:
Self-worth is a lesson you are learning. The way out of this dilemma is to heal that part of you that allow for relationships that are abusive. Clearly your questions and the trend of lessening severity of abuse in your relationships shows you are making good progress.
We tend to recreate situations we are familiar with, because it fits our ‘sense of self’ and because on some level we are trying correct or heal the situation so that we can get our needs met. If you have experienced abuse, it has a ‘fit’ somewhere within you. It is not utterly unacceptable because it is familiar – you know how to ‘be’ with it. Someone without this history would walk away as soon as the other person was abusive because this kind of relationship doesn’t have a ‘fit’ with them. Because of this, it is totally unacceptable to them and they do not get entangled in it. They defend themselves if need be, and move on. They do not make excuses or try to fix the other in order to try to get what they need. This is not one of their life lessons to learn, so it just doesn’t stick.
You ask what the signs are of a potentially abusive person. Abusive relationships are based on power. One is either the abuser or the victim and these roles often interchange. Those who abuse have often been abused. Abusing can be a way of making sure you are not the one abused. Having been disregarded, it’s easier to disregard others. Having been treated meanly, it’s easier to be mean towards others. Those who abuse have a need for power over others to shore up their own insecurities and feel safe. They often have an inability to see or honor another’s perspective. Sometimes it can manifest as having to have it their way, despite how it affects others. Anyone who is able to be mean towards any person or animal is able to turn that meanness towards you, as it does not chafe against an inner conscience of the wrongness of this behavior.
You are learning to heal yourself, to truly know and live your worth. We are all equally worthy and loveable. When you are able to know and live this truth on the inside, situations that give you the opportunity to learn the lesson will no longer dominate your important relationships.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed psychologist (NJ #2371) in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling Services, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling Services, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding health-related concerns. 2015 Chaitanya Counseling Services