Dear Dr. Norquist:
My daughter is now 14 months old. Throughout my pregnancy I suffered stress related to my husband and his parents and siblings. During my 6 months of pregnancy my husband’s sister and mother got violent and made a scene at a birthday party. The day I gave birth at Hackensack Hospital my husband’s parents and sister showed up at the hospital an hour after I gave birth. They made a horrible scene and my husband had to ask them to leave.
Weeks later when I invited them to come and meet the baby at my home, his mother walked right by me, took my daughter from my husband, and asked her husband if he approved of her. When I celebrated my daughter’s first christening, my mother-in-law declined the invitation and had the rest of her relatives not show, not even send my daughter a card, and on my daughter’s first birthday, same thing. Now the truth came out – they said they want nothing to do with my daughter until we divorce. Meanwhile, they are twisting words around and saying I don’t want them in my daughter’s life. Every holiday and birthday has been miserable. I can tell this is affecting my husband. He takes out his anger on my relatives when they have done nothing more than love and show support for our daughter. I am going through anxiety, stress, and depression as a result.
Dr. Norquist responds:
Your stress is quite understandable. I’m sorry this has been such a difficult time for you. With the birth of your daughter, you and your husband have created your own new family. The new family of the three of you is precious and vulnerable, and needs protection and firm boundaries to be strong and healthy. Extended family will always be important, but the focus needs to be on you and your husband deciding together what you think is best for your daughter and your family of three.
For the optimal well being of all of you (and especially your daughter), you and your husband need to be securely connected. The more you feel supported by and connected with your husband, the more you can provide a calm and secure emotional environment for your daughter. Try to protect your new family from the needs of his extended family or yours. Instead, focus on building your connection with your husband. Be considerate of each other’s feelings and needs and decide together how to develop your new family. Both your extended family and his extended family are second to the family of three that the two of you have created. If the two of you are a united front, sticking to the decisions that the two of you have agreed upon, demands from extended family will not feel as threatening.
Take good care of yourself, shore up your connection with your husband and focus on this wonderful new family that the two of you have created! If your anxiety and depression persists, for your daughter’s sake as well as your own, I would advise you to seek professional help. Best wishes to you and thank you for writing.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed psychologist (NJ #2371) in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling Services, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling Services, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding health-related concerns. 2011 Chaitanya Counseling Services