Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’m very dependent on my husband and he likes it that way. He is my world. Mostly this works for us. We have a comfortable home together. The problem is I’m afraid the relationship only works if things stay as they are. He likes it that I don’t work outside the home. I need the stimulation of a job, but I’m afraid it would lead to marital problems. I can’t imagine living my life without him, so things stay as they are. I need him and I need a job and it seems I can’t have both. Is there any way out of this dilemma?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Your need for exploration threatens your husband (and therefore you). You are in this situation because it provides a secure structure – one that is essential for your survival. It also provides a sense of connection and relatedness – again, something that we all need. With these needs met, life is beckoning you forward to discover more about yourself and about life. This is a healthy growth urge, but of course you need to know that you have a safe place to come back to from your explorations. Your safe base is threatened when you explore, so you don’t do it. You stay home. This is quite understandable as these needs are so essential.
My suggestion is that you proceed by taking small steps. You can be quite creative with how you meet this need for growth and stimulation without threatening your base of security and connection. Only you know where the threatening edge is between you and your husband and what would satisfy your growth needs. If working outside the home is too threatening, would volunteer work, church activities, time spent with a neighbor or friend or even an online class be more amenable? A slow step-by-step movement can help both you and your husband to expand your sense of safe connection with each other beyond the home environment and allow you to continue your process of individual growth.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed psychologist (NJ #2371) in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling Services, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.) Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling Services, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding health-related concerns. 2011 Chaitanya Counseling Services