Dear Dr. Norquist:
My problem is that I don’t know who I am. I mean I know I’m a 24 year-old NJ woman and I know that I work in a retail business, but I don’t really know who I am. I think because of this I have trouble making decisions for myself and am always asking my parents and my friends what they think is right for me. I’ve got friends to hang out with but I find myself just following them in their interests and activities, because I don’t know what I really like, and besides, I want to be accepted by them. I’m not even sure what job is right for me. I do my work fine, but it is kind of boring. Anyway, I’m kinda lost. Can you help me?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Please know that many people struggle with similar feelings, especially while they are in their twenties. We spend so much time focused on the outside world, and so little time alone with ourselves, that we rarely take time out from the stimulation and busyness of everyday life to listen to our own feelings, needs and inner yearnings. How do you get to know and feel comfortable with someone else? I think a common response would be “by spending time with that person, and by listening to their feelings, their thoughts and their experiences.” How often do you do this with your own self? It may sound like a strange request, to spend time with yourself listening to your feelings and needs, however, we discover who we are meant to be from the inside out, not from the outside in. We lose ourselves by trying to fit in and be like others. When we live to please others or for others’ approval, we give our power away. Your strength and your power come from being who you are, not from being who someone else needs you to be.
The next time you have to make a decision, even a small one, try to refrain from the habit of asking someone else what he or she thinks. Instead, turn within and ask yourself what feels right to you. If you listen inside you’ll get a kind of a “felt sense” of what’s right for you. This “felt sense” comes from your body, or your heart, or your gut, rather then from your head. The mind is fickle. It sometimes operates as if it is not attached to the body. We often follow the currents of the mind and get caught up in the world around us. In so doing, we lose sight of our own inner truth. The more you practice the habit of turning within, the more you develop a line of communication with your core self. By doing this, you start to operate from your own internal core self. This will allow you to become more empowered in whatever you choose to do. I’d also suggest that you set aside quiet time on a regular basis, just to be with yourself without outside distractions. In this way, you will come to know and befriend yourself, and that “lost” feeling will dissipate.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed psychologist (NJ #2371) in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling Services, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling Services, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding health-related concerns. 2011 Chaitanya Counseling Services