HudsonReporter.com recapper Eileen Budd, a comedienne and lifelong New Jersey Italian woman, is back with another recap!
Running with the pack
The episode opens with Jacqueline and Caroline talking about the upcoming 5K run for charity the gang is supposed to participate in. Jacqueline tells Caroline she’s not sure about the running part but she’ll just walk fast and squeeze her butt cheeks. Teresa is waiting for them in Jacqueline’s driveway. Jacqueline can’t believe that T. is wearing heels in a foot of snow and calls her a “sexy bitch.” Plus, T. has on tight pants and some sort of peachy pink stretch top adorned with something that once was part of some animal. Basically, she looks like a hooker at a ski lodge.
T. tells them that her brother came to her book signing and about the war of the texts between her brother and her husband beforehand. Caroline tells the camera, “Real men don’t fight over texts – it’s so high school girly.” I wonder if one of the Joes will write about the other on the stalls of the girls’ room too.
Milania’s birthday is coming up and T. wants her brother to come but she doesn’t want any fighting between the boys. Caroline tells T. to call Melissa so they can hear the conversation. It starts out nice enough and then T. and Mel start to bicker and Mel drags up the past. T. assures her that her Zeppole husband will behave. “I’m exhausted by that conversation,” Caroline says exasperated. So are we, Caroline, so are we. It’s episode 16 and the end is nowhere in sight.
As the morning of the 5K run dawns, Kathy is ready. “This Italian runs. Bring it,” she declares confidently. You better play fair, Kathy. No getting in your spaceship to win the race. Chris Laurita asks Jacqueline if it’s a walk or a run and flat out says, “I’m not running.” Jacqueline, after just telling her husband that it’s for charity, almost caves and wonders, “Can we just give them money and not walk?” Atta girl, Jacq. Who wants to get up at 6 a.m. to go running in the freezing cold to help the disabled when you can just go to your computer and transfer $50 from your checking account into the charity’s account? And, by the way, that hat you’re wearing better not have been stolen out of Ashley’s hat vault.
At the Guidice household, we are treated to the sounds of Teresa flushing the toilet and complaining about a stomach ache. She tries to wake up her sleeping manatee of a husband and she pulls the sheets off of him. For a moment, I thought my eyes might bleed as we get a glimpse of Joe in his black stretch underwear. T. announces that she has the runs and Joe responds with, “You better bring the toilet with you.” When he still won’t get up, T. gets on the bed, turns her back towards him and warns, “I’ll put my butthole in your face.” That’s particularly sexy when it comes from someone who just informed you that they have the runs. That must’ve done the job because we next see Joe up and dressed, slicing sausage and putting it in a baggie – along with packing up some wine – so they’ll have something to nosh on as they run. T. asks him, “Want to make a sanguich?” No, that’s not a typo. That’s how Italian Jersey folks pronounce “sandwich.”
The gang gathers at the starting line. Caroline looks like a warehouse security guard on the night shift. Melissa has on a spotted fur hat with ears that looks like she stole it from backstage at The Lion King. And, Richie, well, he just looks like he usually looks – like he’s going to play poker in somebody’s panelled basement. T. and Joe are late so T. goads him into walking faster. Joe makes excuses for his lethargy. “I got one minute of sleep last night.” Who are you kidding, Joe? You sleep more than Rip Van Winkle. But, loyal wife Teresa, assures us that her hubby is fit. “Joe’s in good shape in the bedroom.” And at that moment, we can hear a collective America call out, “Ewwwww.”
I’m not sure how successful that 5K was because it looked like it had about 25 participants and 20 of them were cast members of the show. Kathy dismisses the ludicrousness that T. might actually try to compete with her. Chris Manzo and some others cheated by crawling under a fence “like we were in frickin’ ‘Nam.” Someone yells, “Do you think Teresa will answer the phone if we call her?’’ And the Manzo boys’ gay friend, Greg, says of the lagging Zeppole, “If Joe comes back with a box of pizzas, I’ll be very pleased.” At least Joe has sausage and wine on hand so they can have a tailgate party. Joe Gorga ties a scarf around Greg and pulls him like a dog on a leash bringing the 5K event to its uneventful close.
Speaking of dogs, back at the Manzo boys’ Hoboken apartment, Greg’s dog is sporting a pink outfit that sparks Chris Manzo to state, “She looks like she’s in an 80’s prom dress.” Greg is excited that Joe Gorga is coming over because Greg thinks he’s “smokin’ hot.” He also gets along fabulously with Melissa. Mel tells us, “The day he told me he’d want to die and come back as me, he won me over.” Don’t get too excited, Melissa. Greg would want to come back as you after he comes back as Liza Minelli, Cher, Lady Gaga, Madonna, Britney Spears, Barbra Streisand, Bette Midler, Kathy Griffin, and Margaret Cho.
The Gorgas arrive in Hoboken,and of course, with Joe in town, it becomes Joeboken according to Greg. It just so happens that Mel is carrying around her CD of “On Display” and plays it for the Manzo boys. It’s hard to get a read of how they feel about the song but Albie looks like he’s got a bad case of gas and Chris looks like he’d rather be back in episode 15 pitching books about toilets. Somehow, Greg convinces them that Melissa should sing at the launch of the new black water product the Manzo kids are doing PR for. Yup, seems fitting. Melissa singing and black water kinda go together – they both sound revolting.
Now for something totally different, we cut to Lauren and boyfriend Vito, making mozzarella with some sexy Barry White type music playing in the background. It’s all very erotic as Vito guides her hand churning the white gooey mass, urging, “Go slow, go slow.” Lauren likens the experience to the iconic scene in the movie Ghost. “It reminds me of Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore making pottery – except Vito’s not dead.” That Lauren – she’s such a romantic. Their relationship even dampens Lauren’s brother Chris’ view of love. “Looking at Lauren and Vito’s relationship makes me not want a girlfriend.”
As contrast, we cut back to Greg telling Melissa that she has to look better than Teresa at the launch party. “Whatever. It’s so easy,” Mel replies humbly. And Joe Gorga gushes, “My wife looks innocent. She’s a beast and I love it.” Then he goes into this analogy of Melissa being a tiger but he’s a lion and he attacked her so he’s king of the jungle. Uh uh, Joe. Melissa’s king of the jungle and she had the hat on at the 5K to prove it. Melissa tells us that her husband talks about their sex life too much. You think? Joe Gorga is like the WikiLeaks of doing the nasty.
It’s My Birthday and I’ll Cry if I Want to
Milania’s 5th birthday has arrived and she’s throwing a fit because she wants to wear a dress that makes her look like Glinda, the Good Witch from The Wizard of Oz. (Greg would be so proud.) Teresa tries to reason with her saying that she wore the dress already. But, Milania’s not having any of it and starts to cry, “I love that dress.” So Mama T. lovingly says, “Are you gonna be a crybaby on your birthday?” She finally gives in and puts the dress on the kid then bows in front of her saying, “Princess Milania, at your servant.” Okay, so maybe she should have said, “at your service” or “I’m your servant,” but T.’s too busy writing cookbooks to learn English.
Teresa lets us know that, in an effort to save money after the bankruptcy, they are just having a pizza party this year. And we know that she’s serious about saving money because the camera gets a close up of the 99 cent sticker on the paper plates for the party. Can’t you just picture T. shopping at the dollar store in her white mink coat, taking out a twenty from her Louis Vuitton wallet, and making sure she got the right change back?
Joe Guidice is holding court at the pizzeria donning his best paper chef’s hat making him look like the living version of the Pillsbury Dough Boy. While waiting for latecomers Joe and Melissa Gorga, the kids start revolting like prisoners at Rikers Island, banging on the table, yelling, “We want pizza. We want pizza.” Finally, the Gorga family arrives so the Pillsbury Dough Boy shows the kids how to make pizza with the same amount of enthusiasm as Rick Perry talking about the benefits of Social Security. Richie takes some time with the guys to diss Doughy Joe. “He’s missing a tooth,” he says, referencing Joe chipping a tooth while doing gymnastics drunk (see episode 15). “Maybe we’ll knock another tooth out like the Beverly Hillbillies.” Uh, Richie, do you really think you should be making fun of other people? You’re like a Lebanese Joe Pesce in My Cousin Vinny before he becomes smart.
Pillsbury gets tired of playing with the kids and abruptly calls, “That’s enough making pizzas.” So then they bring out the “pizza” birthday cake Teresa made in keeping with the theme. Milania blows out the candle and sister Gia sings her a cute little song. Nothing rhymes but she does caution her sister to stretch her toes before gymnastics and that advice is probably the best birthday present Milania can get. Then Gia goes on to sing another song about her mother and uncle Joe fighting. Everyone starts crying. Even daddy Pillsbury, which can be hazardous to his health because wet dough can get messy. Wise Caroline tells us, “Maybe the children will teach them to be adults.”
T. hugs her brother and tells Gia, “Uncle Joe and I love each other so don’t worry about it,” to which Gia shoots back, “Then you should start acting like it.” Amen, Gia! Then of course the bickering starts again. Uncle Joe says of Gia, “She’s so good because I baptized her,” to which Teresa disagrees, “No, ‘cuz she came out of my stomach.” Gia, honey, do yourself a favor: Take your sister Milania and the two of you should run away and join a circus. Your sister already proved that she’s ready for the trapeze in the last episode when she balanced herself on a pile of peaches in the supermarket.
Best scene of the night? Greg and Albie comparing the age of their first kiss with a girl. Greg actually beat Albie to it. And that comes from a gay man who said he’d have to get real wasted before he’d make out with a girl!
Next week, the gang goes to Punta Cana for vacation. Kathy and Teresa get into a fight and Kathy calls T. “cuckoo-cuckoo.” Hey, it takes one to know one…
For recaps of prior episodes, see below. Eileen Budd can be reached at pretty.funny@hotmail.com or leave a comment here. To read more from Hudson County and Hoboken, N.J., come back to hudsonreporter.com.