Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’ve had the pleasure of meeting a very beautiful woman. She’s one of the coolest, and best looking, people I’ve met in a long time. I’ve developed an attraction towards her. She’s a very attractive girl and I don’t really consider myself attractive, or at least not attractive enough to be with her; that’s where the problem begins.
I’m sure this all goes back to a deep rooted inferiority complex that was formed sometime back in 7th grade as adolescence hit, however it’s remained with me well into my college years. I put myself down way too much. I’m told that I’m my worst critic. A friend of mine told me that there’s going to be plenty of people putting me down throughout my life, so I should definitely not be one of them. My friend also told me to stop putting myself down and ask her out already or she’d do it for me, ouch!
Those words make me feel good for a little while, but then I see this girl and begin putting myself down all over again. I know I’m a good person, what I lack in looks I like to think that I at least make up for with charm, wit, and intelligence, however that little complex in the back of my head keeps whispering at me, “No way are you good enough for her, let it go and just stay friends,” but I try not to listen to it, sometimes to no avail. I’m almost at the end of my rope here…do you think there’s anything I can do to overcome this?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Thank you for writing. I think many people can relate to your question, so in a sense you have written for others as well.
We are influenced by our culture to measure our worth by outside, fleeting, surface factors – appearance, money, popularity, and power. The truth is that our worth is innate. It is inborn and can’t be taken away or even given to us by outside forces. All babies are precious. Do some of us become less precious as we grow into adulthood? We do not lose our worth as we age. What we lose is our experience of our worthiness. We become misled, and think it’s up to others to determine our worth and our acceptableness.
Others reflect back to you whatever you believe about yourself. If you feel unworthy, that is the message you subtly send to others and they will respond accordingly. Your own negative comments toward yourself are a powerful means of keeping yourself down. If you want to feel better about yourself, it is you that must change. Others can’t do it for you. All of their positive statements fall on deaf ears when you continue to fan the fire of self-criticism.
It is you who have decided somehow that this attractive woman is better than you. You have created a perspective that reinforces your view that you are less than her. Can you see how arbitrary this viewpoint is? Do you see what purpose it serves? It confirms your belief about yourself (which is sometimes strangely comforting). However, it has no basis in reality. It is real only to the extent that it is an experience you have created for yourself. The woman you admire so much doesn’t even have a chance to know you. There is a smoke screen of unworthiness in the way. The worst that can happen is that she, for whatever reason, may not be interested in a romantic involvement with you. What would it feel like if that were the case? No matter how upsetting it might be, the feelings would pass. Even if she is not interested in you romantically, can you see how this has nothing to do with your worth?
Practice seeing and experiencing your stature as equal to this woman. Re-discover the inner knowledge of your worth. Consciously work on stopping your negative self-statements; first the spoken comments, later the negative thoughts about yourself. Turn within and find the courage to go for what you want. There is no guarantee you’ll get it, but if you don’t try, you’ll never know if it was possible. You will grow through your efforts. Remember, courage isn’t the absence of fear, but rather a decision to move towards something that is more important to you than the fear.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed psychologist (NJ #2371) in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling Services, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling Services, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding health-related concerns. 2011 Chaitanya Counseling Services