Hold on to your cannoli! Hoboken comedienne (and lifelong Jersey Italian woman) Eileen Budd recaps this week’s episode of the Real Housewives of New Jersey here:
The Real Housewives of New Jersey – Season 3, Episode 8
What? No Drama?
The gang is getting ready for Christmas and the show opens with Jacqueline and her father taking the Christmas decorations down from the attic. Everything is so enormous that her father actually loses his glasses in the Christmas tree! I know seniors can be forgetful, but how might this conversation go?
Dad: “Uh, I can’t find my glasses. I know I had them before I came into the attic.”
Daughter: “Are you sure you didn’t leave them in the bathroom or in the dishwasher again, Dad?”
Dad: “Oops, here they are on the artificial Christmas tree. I must’ve been trying to read the assembly instructions and got a little too close. Now where did I leave my dentures? I think I was soaking them in the dog’s water bowl….”
It’s all so homey with everyone making decorations and bows. Even sourpuss Ashley is mindlessly wielding Elmer’s Glue, giving us her best Martha Stewart imitation. Martha, who is from my same hometown – Nutley – would be so proud that Ashley knows how to squeeze glue from a bottle without the aid of her knit hat. Guess that expression, “Put your thinking cap on” doesn’t apply in Ashley’s case. (By the way, I went through the same home economics curriculum in the Nutley school system as Martha so how come I didn’t learn how to turn anal retention into a lucrative empire? I can take dryer lint and candle wax and turn it into a centerpiece too.)
Ashley prepares her mother for any friction between the guests at the holiday party since the Guidices are invited along with the Gorgas and things are still not settled between the families. (It’s like the Italian version of the Hatfield-McCoys only instead of arguing over who killed a varmint on the other’s property, the Gorgas and Guidices fight over who gets to wear the varmint to the party.)
While Ashley warns her mother to stay out of the drama that she seems to insert herself into, Jacqueline calls her own daughter a hypocrite since she’s had her share of drama with the hair extension pulling incident with ex-housewife, Danielle. All I can say is, someday, Jerry Springer is going to retire and his producer may want to consider this mother/daughter act to take his place. The only thing is, Ashley doesn’t look like she has enough energy to dodge a flying folding chair.
Meanwhile, the Manzos are also getting ready for Christmas, pushing around furniture in that ski-lodged size living room of theirs to make way for the tree that was too big to fit in Rockefeller Center. Chris and Albie’s roommate, Greg, thinks they should get a green feather tree for their place but Albie says, “I don’t need to see Big Bird in my kitchen.” He follows that with an exasperated, “I can’t listen to Mariah Carey albums anymore.” Uh, Albie, you knew that Greg was gay when he moved in with you, right? Look around your apartment: There are zebra print dining room chairs and woven rattan balls that serve no purpose other than pure decoration sitting in a bowl on the table. That should have been your first clue that the Mariah Carey albums weren’t far behind the candle-lit shrine to Liza Minelli, the Madonna coffee table book, and the photographs lining the hallway chronicling Cher’s 50 years of fame. All I’m saying is, you’re getting a good deal – a meticulously clean and fabulously decorated apartment in exchange for just having to watch all of Kathy Griffin’s specials.
Although I’m still not sure of the dynamics with those three boys in Hoboken, I like it. Lauren, Chris and Albie’s sister, isn’t so sure though. She’s crying because she misses her brothers and knows that Greg has taken her place in their hearts – probably because he’s a better decorator than she is. She tries to decorate the boys’ Christmas stockings with their names but can’t find any glue or glitter in the apartment. Now, I find that a little hard to believe. Greg, don’t tell me you don’t have a secret cache of glitter in the jewelry box in your bedroom!!! Well, he apparently doesn’t want to help out Lauren so she’s left to her own devices and creatively uses red pepper flakes to glue on their names. I think Sammy “The Bull” Gravano probably does the same thing in prison. But all ends well as the boys do get their green feather Christmas tree (which actually looks kind of cool) and Lauren is gifted with a key to her brothers’ apartment. Let’s hope that before she uses it, she listens for the techno music at the door before stepping into a rave.
So what are the Gorgas and Guidices up to?
Melissa meets with Soul Diggaz, the producers who tell her that she’ll have to put in 15 hours a day practicing. Soul Diggaz know of what they speak because they’ve worked with the likes of Britney Spears, so if anyone can detect stupidity, it’s them. Joe doesn’t like the idea of Melissa being away from the house and kids so he makes the ultimate sacrifice: He gives up his plans for a wine room to build Melissa a studio in the basement instead. “Thank you, Jesus,” Melissa exclaims. Yes, thank you, Jesus, the neighbors echo for having Melissa’s cat-like wailing contained within the sealed confinement of her basement.
Melissa wants the studio to be gold ‘cuz she’s gonna make gold records. Uh huh, and Sarah Palin is going to be inducted into the Mensa Hall of Fame. But Joe can keep a watch on his wife behind two-way glass and pretend he’s watching a MILF website. Meanwhile, Melissa is still stuck catering to him and her kids. Her 3-year-old son claims he can’t feed himself, and Melissa tells him, “I can’t baby you forever ‘cuz then you’ll be like your daddy.” He’s already like his daddy, Melissa. In fact, they’re both the same height.
And the Guidices are having a romantic little picnic in their living room trying to put aside their financial and legal problems. Despite the fact that Joe Guidice’s ex-partner is suing for fraud, Joe Le Zeppole is whipping up a gourmet dinner for his wife, Teresa. As he chops onions, T. is getting sexed up in her hot pants and boots. Do you think Beyonce and Jay Z spend their evenings like this too? Joe is too interested in the food to think about the legal mess they’re in. Dismissing the looming bankruptcy, he wisely states, “You live and learn,” before scoffing his angel hair pasta. How can you not love this guy? At least he has his priorities straight. If he does wind up going to prison, having the talent of making a good dish of pasta is going to be a valued asset in the joint.
Now, a quick update on Kathy and Rich. They’re holding hands in the back seat of a car as they’re on their way to check out an upscale restaurant they may purchase. Kathy is wearing a fedora (perhaps an Ashley reject) that makes her look like Johnny Depp, but with cleaner hair. You gotta admit, these two make a cute couple. I’m not sure what makes their marriage work but I have a feeling that it’s the spaces in their togetherness. After all, Kathy is away a lot on her own private planet. They sit down to get advice about running a restaurant from Caroline’s husband, Albert, who owns and operates The Brownstone. Albert laughs hysterically and tries to diplomatically tell them that they’re about as clueless as Boehner and Obama figuring out how to deal with the deficit. Kathy, just go home and make your redwood tree-sized cannolis and ponder this: If one of your cannolis falls in the forest and no one is around, does it make a sound?
Party Like a Bitch
And so we come to Jacqueline’s cocktail party with the Guidices, Gorgas, and Manzos. Does anyone invite anyone outside these same people when they have a party? I thought at least Kim G. would be there despite the fact that Jacqueline had a bit of a run-in with her during a recent visit, when Kim kept wanting to talk about Teresa’s financial straits. Jacq didn’t want to go there with Old Lady Buttcrack (a reference to a flashback when Kim G. donned tight shorts and decided to get on a stripper pole with the girls last season). “Kim Granny Toe,” as T. calls her, seems to like to stir the pot of Guidice gossip goulash. But you can’t get mad at her for her behavior. As they both admire the ostentatious chandelier in Kim’s foyer, she makes Jacq feel the back of her head. “I’m missing part of my skull,” she declares. That in itself explains a lot.
The party goes off smoothly for the most part except T. (who arrives in a fur-trimmed long dress that looks like it was retrieved from a Dumpster after the filming of Dr. Zhivago) seems very quiet.
There is a brief exchange between her and Melissa:
“Wake up and smell the coffee.”
“No, you wake up and smell the coffee.”
Again, a repeat of the “you’re a doody head” conversation of 5 year-olds cited in the last recap. But for the most part, there is fun and frivolity.
Melissa cautions, “Let me tell you something about this family. They’re all a little cuckoo.” That is borne out when Chris takes photos of Joe Gorga in a varying array of emotions. “Show me ‘sensitive,’ Chris calls out to Joe, who complies by rubbing his own nipples beneath his unbuttoned shirt. Then on a dare, Gorga disappears behind a closed door only to emerge in one of Jacqueline’s glittery spaghetti-strapped jumpsuits. As he prances around the room kicking his spandexed legs out like a ballerina, Melissa comments, “I’m so not having sex tonight.” There you go, Melissa – if you want to get Joe off your back, just buy him some drag clothes and let him play dress up. He’ll be busy for hours.
Best lines of the night
Joe Guidice telling the person who answers the door at Jacq’s party: “You’re like a friggin’ slowpoke. It’s freezing out here.”
Yes, and so glad you can come to the party, Joe.
Teresa, commenting on her confrontation with a female lawyer, “to silence the lamb.” I don’t know what happened to the other lambs but if her husband, Joe, starts cooking up fava beans, things might get more interesting.
Caroline, after her daughter Lauren uses red pepper flakes to make her brothers’ names on Christmas stockings: “It’s a very Guido Christmas in Hoboken.” Oh, Caroline, it’s a little bit of a Guido holiday every day in Hoboken.
Next week: Kathy tops off her Christmas tree with what looks like a mask left over from Mardi Gras. (But maybe on her planet, that’s how they celebrate the birth of their Savior.)
For recaps of prior episodes see links below. Feel free to leave a comment below or you can contact Eileen Budd at pretty.funny@hotmail.com