Editor’s Note: Eileen Budd, Hoboken comedienne and “Real Housewives” recapper, is looking to give advice. So help her out. E-mail your questions to editorial@hudsonreporter.com and put “Advice” in the subject head. Here are some initial ones to get us started. We can’t guarantee that these are real, so we need yours!
Q: I’m a housekeeper who is thinking of working for a famous celebrity. He’s promised to buy me a house and provide me with a 401K retirement plan. The only catch is that he wants to have sex with me, but he’s already married to another famous celebrity. Should I accept the job? – Maid of No Honor
A: Dear Maid Who Might be Made,
The deciding factor would be whether the 401K is a matching plan or not. According to The Wall Street Journal, “the median household headed by a person aged 60 to 62 with a 401(k) account has less than one-quarter of what is needed in that account to maintain its standard of living in retirement.” You cannot begin to withdraw from the account until you are 59.5. You will probably stop being “hot” somewhere in your 40’s (unless he is 103, then you can be “hot” to him until somewhere near death). So make sure that when you sign the employment contract, you ask for guaranteed contributions until you are 10 years post menopause.
Q: Why can’t I do more than one thing at a time without being distracted and accomplishing nothing? – Nowhere Man
A: Dear Nowhere Man,
Please listen, you don’t know what you’re missing. (Ah, you probably won’t get that reference unless you’re over 50.) The world is full of technology, social media, and activities that compete for our attention. In addition to texting, tweeting, Googling, YouTubing, Tivoing, iPoding, Linking In, Foursquaring, Facebooking, scrapbooking, bookmaking, making out, camping out, working out, working, looking for work, looking for love, hooking up, and Meeting Up, when it comes to getting anything done, it’s no wonder that we wind up screwing up.
It might help to take a Zen meditation class to quiet your mind and focus better.
You can probably find one on Google, Twitter, Facebook, Linked In, Meet Up, You Tube, DVD, at the gym, at the spa, at the….
Q: What do I have to do to get a reality show? – Jonesing to Be a Star
A: Dear Star Jonesing,
In ascending order of chances you have to:
3) Be really hot
2) Be really hot and stupid
1) Be really hot and stupid and have two siblings who are kinda hot but equally stupid
Good luck!