Editor’s Note: Hoboken comedienne and lifelong New Jersey Italian woman Eileen Budd is back with another recap of the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Enjoy and comment below!
Brother and Sister Act
The episode opens with Caroline worrying about her new radio show, “Caroline Rules,” as she practices answering sample call-in questions with her friend, Delores. Delores pretends to be Theresa calling in for advice about problems with her brother, Joe. Caroline says, “Put yourself in a room together and battle it out. It takes two to Tango.” Very wise, Caroline. It may take two to Tango but it takes an entire cast of family and friends to meddle in the affairs of those crazy-in-love siblings. Everybody has to weigh in like it’s CNN coverage of a GOP debate. I say just let Sarah Palin take them both out on the Alaska tundra and pretend they’re moose.
Caroline throws out that old chestnut about what’s really important in life even though Teresa and her husband, zeppole Joe, are having financial problems and may lose their home, “You have your health, family…..” I love when people who have everything say stuff like that. I want to say to Caroline, “So why don’t you just let them live with you?” You have that big empty-nest house to rattle around in; you could use a few Madonna-in-training rugrats running around to keep things lively.
At the Gorga household, Melissa is helping her hubby, Joe, get ready for a meeting with the scorned love of his life, sister Teresa. Wearing a bedazzled beret, Melissa sifts through outfits in a mammoth walk-in closet before finally selecting a neon orange shirt for Joe. “Let me just get your necklace,” she chirps as she runs to get Joe’s cross. Bedazzled beret? Neon orange top? Necklace??? Clearly, she thinks she’s the wardrobe lady for the national tour company of La Cage Aux Folles.
Joe and T. meet at a restaurant discussing their rift like it’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas sitting down to Middle East peace talks. Joe reads T.’s letter quoting her apologies, “I’m sorry if I hurt you and your family.” Joe asks her, “What did you mean by that?” T. counters, “What did you mean?” It was like the beginning of an Abbot and Costello sketch.
Joe says T.’s husband, Joe Guidice, is to blame because he was jealous that she always commented on how well her brother was doing. Even T. said she put her brother first before her husband. Look, I love my brother, Antnee, but I can’t file a joint tax return with him. Then Joe recalls the memory of when he first laid eyes on his wife, Melissa. It was in Cancun and she was wearing a leopard print bikini (surpise!) Six months later, he saw her at the Jersey Shore (again, surprise!) and shortly after, when she saw that he lived in palatial bachelor pad, she decided she was in love and moved in.
Teresa tells us, however, that her brother was engaged twice before he married Melissa – even calling off one of the weddings a month before the nuptials. Luckily, a leopard doesn’t change its spots because her bathing suit made her the winner. But T. claims that Melissa just liked Joe’s money. She goes off about not only losing her brother to Melissa but to her cousin, Kathy, too. She laments that she and Kathy used to be so close that Kathy even did Teresa’s hair. Then we get a shot of perm-haired Kathy from what must have been the 80’s, looking like a poodle on crack that put its paw in an electrical socket. Uh, if I were you, Teresa, I wouldn’t fess up to Kathy doing my hair. Gene Simmons sports a better hairdo.
So the back and forth between Joe and Teresa continues with T. jabbing him about never commenting on her book, him saying she never invited him to a book signing, and her telling him that it was posted on Facebook. “I don’t have Facebook,” Joe responds. What???? Joe, how do you expect to play Mafia Wars? Oh, never mind, you’re in the construction business, you do.
Joe tells T. that she and Melissa butt heads because they’re both the same – flashy and competitive. Every time there’s a comparison between his wife and his sister, I get creeped out. Joe thinks T. should talk to their mother since T. influences her against Melissa. “If I married the biggest whore on the street, those are her grandchildren.” What do you mean “if,” Joe? So T., wanting to know what it would take to heal the wounds, agrees to talk to her mother and Melissa. Then Joe says he has a headache and has to go. You have a headache? These two really do act more like husband and wife than brother and sister.
Melissa and Joe wind up going to a friend’s for dinner and, in front of the hosts and the other guests, Melissa has to bring up the Joe and Teresa spat. “You know Joe’s sister – she never says hello to me.” That’s because you stole her leopard print, Melissa. Couldn’t you just wear a nice Ralph Lauren solid and leave the jungle prints to your sister-in-law? Ever the pot-stirrer, Melissa then has to tell Kathy, who is also in attendance, “When everything is good with Joe, I’ll bring up how she is with you.” My God, Melissa, can’t you just let sleeping leopards lie?
Talk radio
Meanwhile, Caroline is getting ready for her first time on the radio and she’s fretting about how it will go. Her husband, Albert, lovingly assures her, “You’re not a moron. How hard is it?” Haven’t you seen Frazier, Albert? You have people’s lives in your hands, man. And then he tells her that he will listen in; he might even call in with a “What’s up there, Chubs?” And daughter, Lauren, adds that her mother is sweet. “She’ll tell you to go _____ yourself with a smile on her face.” Now, I wasn’t sure if she said “take care of yourself” or “f—k yourself”, but either way, I like Caroline’s approach. The radio show starts off with Caroline stumbling along, but she begins to pick up steam and the callers come seeking her sage advice. To one caller complaining about family issues, she advises, “I’m a 49-year-old Italian mommy. Sometimes, you gotta let things slide.” Wow – you know what I have to say about that little pearl of wisdom? You’re 49??? I thought her postman began delivering the AARP Magazine a decade ago. And to the woman who lost 40 lbs, Caroline tells her, “Jersey girls know how to work it. Rock those boobies.” That’s solid advice from someone who has boulder-sized boobies to rock.
Everyone listens in on Caroline’s first radio gig. There’s Kathy, who is listening on a boom box in her bedroom as she folds laundry. Who has a boom box in their bedroom? Kathy’s like June Cleaver hangin’ in the hood. There’s Jacqueline and Teresa who listen while driving around in their respective cars. These are mothers of very young children. What the hell are they doing riding around at 8 at night? Unless the Fur Vault is having a “midnight madness” sale, shouldn’t they be home?
Later, Caroline dispenses advice face-to-face to Teresa who has come to Jacqueline’s house to meet with Melissa on neutral ground. “The holidays are coming. Put your big girl panties on.” Jacqueline is more nervous than anyone. When T. arrives, she asks, “Want cawfee or something? Want a sedative?” Jacqueline wants a Bailey’s herself. “Why am I the one that’s gonna have diarrhea?” Well, if you have enough Bailey’s, that’s what happens, Jacqueline. But Teresa is perfectly composed. “I’m calm and cool as a whistle.” I believe the expression is, “calm and cool as a cucumber,” Teresa, but I can see why you would mix them up. After all, they are both things you put in your mouth. And doesn’t everyone like to refrigerate their whistle before giving it a toot?
Speaking of blowing, Caroline blows that popcorn stand before Melissa arrives. Although Kathy worries for Melissa and angles to be brought as a friend to the meeting with Teresa, Melissa is stalwart. “Don’t worry about me. If I really wanted to, I could eat her alive.” Just like a true leopard would, Melissa.
And so the pow-wow begins…
Favorite part of the episode? Melissa convincing us that she’s no money grubber, tells us that she was paying her own rent and working her way through college when she met her husband, unlike Teresa who was like, “Did you see my Louis Vuitton shoes?” But when Melissa shows up at Jacqueline’s, she’s got a Louis satchel hanging on her arm. Melissa, people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw designer leather goods.
Next episode: Joe Guidice declares, “I’m f—— John Wayne,” as he and Teresa shoot rifles in the Catskills.
For recaps of previous episodes, see links below. Eileen Budd can be reached at pretty.funny@hotmail.com or leave a comment here.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey – Season 3, Episode 6
