Dear Dr. Norquist:
My husband and I haven’t been right for almost a year now, including not sleeping together sexually or otherwise. He has his daughter come over every other weekend and she stays with us, but when she comes over he goes in our bedroom with her and stays in there for almost the entire weekend that she is here with us except to come out to eat. I have expressed being uncomfortable with her being in our bed with him and he acts like I am crazy. They sit in the bedroom, from about the time she gets here until she goes home at the end of the weekend, in front of the TV.
There are so many reasons why I am uncomfortable with this, one of which is that his ex-wife is looking to always start trouble. His daughter is developing and getting older. She is not a baby anymore, she is 11. The fact is that he and I have not had sexual relations for almost a year now. It makes me very uncomfortable.
He has a son that is not speaking to him. This is where his depression is coming from. If he is not working, all he does is lay around and eat. He tells me he has no interest in anything. He has no drive. He talks mean to me sometimes and calls me horrible names then apologizes and says he wants our marriage to work and he will get help. He went maybe 3 or 4 times. He tells me I am the one who needs help.
I didn’t want to marry again after my first marriage. He told me he needed to get on with his life and he had to accept the fact that his son may not want to ever speak to him again. I kept asking him if he was sure and he insisted we get married. I kept asking even on our wedding day if he was sure. He said he needed to go on with his life and our life was wonderful until 1 year ago. He is now not nice to my son in so many ways. Now, even though he does not even talk to my son, he makes horrible comments to me about my son.
I keep telling myself this man is sick. I try to go on but I am so frustrated, angry and hurt I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to separate, but he begs me not to do so, but then nothing changes. I don’t know what to do when my husband doesn’t want to get help or admit he has a problem. I have been so not myself or not even being able to stay on track with my thoughts. On top of all this I may have to have a hysterectomy and have actually been postponing my doctor’s appointment because I can’t even think of dealing with this now.
Dr. Norquist responds:
You are not crazy to be uncomfortable that your husband is spending the weekend in the bedroom with his 11 year old daughter. This is not normal or healthy for either one of them. How do you know that he is not molesting her? Her well being is more important than what his ex-wife might say or do. You must insist that he move to the living room to watch TV with her. If he does not, you should call DYFS (Division of Youth and Family Services) at 1-877-NJ ABUSE (652-2873) and let them know about the situation.
After ensuring that your step-daughter is safe, you must attend to your own well-being. It is clear that your husband is not willing to work on himself or the relationship. Waiting for him to get help could go on indefinitely. He has no reason to change. You are the one who needs to make a change – for yourself and your son. Start by asking yourself, “Why do I stay in this situation?” You did not want to marry and yet you did. You want to separate and yet you don’t.
I am not making light of how difficult this situation is. I think it is important though for you to get in touch with what keeps you from taking good care of yourself. You are a precious child of God. It is your responsibility to take good care of this life that you have been given. You can do this step-by-step, making decisions that result in moving yourself towards a better place. Start by attending to your physical and emotional health needs. Professional help and a good support system will be invaluable to you as you embark upon this journey towards wellness. I wish you well on this journey.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed psychologist (NJ #2371) in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling Services, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling Services, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding health-related concerns. 2011 Chaitanya Counseling Services