Dear Editor:
Home maintenance plan:
Plan A. Sell your house and move into a homeless shelter.
Plan B. Don’t repair anything until the house completely falls apart. But pay off that mortgage so your kids won’t inherit a mountain of debt. Instead, they’ll inherit a mountain of rubble.
Transportation plan:
Plan A. Stop putting oil in the engine. (This is also part of our environmental plan). You can also save money by skipping all the other maintenance stuff, too.
Plan B. Better yet, sell your car. You won’t need it after your job gets outsourced to Communist China.
Plan C. Don’t go anywhere.
Plan D. Get real. Abolish all public transportation.
Education policy: (An uneducated consumer is our best customer)
Plan A. Abolish all education in favor of military service starting in pre-K.
Plan B. Drop out of high school.
Plan C. Drop out of college. Unless you can afford to pay for it all up front.
Health care plan:
A. Keep paying those extortionist insurance rates so they can drop you when you get sick or injured.
B. Bring your credit card when you show up at the hospital. Cash also accepted. Oh, I forgot, the hospital closed.
C. Drop dead.
National security: (Paid for by cutting taxes)
A. Have military checkpoints on every corner. Strip search everyone. Outlaw backpacks, suitcases, boxes, bags, and anything else that might contain an explosive device.
B. Build a huge wall around the entire country.
C. Place nuclear weapons on the moon pointed at Iran, Venezuela, and anyone else we don’t like.
D. Torture anyone with a beard, anyone who might grow a beard, or anyone with a relative who has a beard.
Environmental Policy:
A. What you don’t know won’t hurt you, and if it does, see our health care plan section C.
B. Strip mine everything.
C. Eat a polar bear.
Farm policy:
A. Slaughter all the animals and eat them.
B. Stick the corn in your gas tank.
C. Save money by not buying seeds or fertilizer for next years crop.
D. However, Congress will provide an endless supply of free organic fertilizer.
And this is only the beginning.
Greg Ribot