Maude, it’s such a pleasure to finally see the inside of your beautiful home. Having your first dinner party is indeed stressful, but we in this neighborhood cannot wait to welcome new families.
May I make a few suggestions, just to bring you within the parameters of what we here in Wallowing Willows have set? You simply must separate the cinnamon raisin bagels from the plain ones. If you’re going to slice said bagels, the preferred proportions are quarters and halves, not the haphazard chunks lying on your plate, which is a touch too small for that many bagels. Your blueberries need to be balanced by your grapes and I see not single grape on that table, red or green. Details, my dear, always the details.
Your kitchen is sprawling, absolutely royal. So much to work with. I do admire your enormous pantry and the foresight to place your rather bland husband there during the course of our ladies’ little get together. Don’t worry. All our husbands are boring, but you work with what you have.
I noticed small gravy stains on one of your dishes, way in the back of your cabinet. Your butter compartment is not freezing its contents to the extent that is expected in our village. Please check your dials.
Your taste in furniture is exquisite, although the china closet is violated by a bit of dust and there is a tiny nick in the vanity. The wall coloring sets off the fireplace; yet there is a dead mosquito behind the recliner. Oh, those wood floors in the dining room and the kitchen tiles that one can see her reflection put you right at the top in my opinion.
It pains me to bring this up, especially since I noticed your medicine cabinet is stocked with anti-depressives, but you need to upgrade your dog. It just sits there and stares. Our pets strive to improve themselves.
Your ceilings are spotless and I thank you for that.
You have three beautiful children and that is exactly our norm. While you were serving coffee, I went upstairs to peruse them. I would suggest you teach them a bit of politeness. They were quite rude when I entered their bedrooms, especially the teenager. Two of them need haircuts and I personally do not approve of bunny slippers on boys, but that is something that can be negotiated.
As for you personally, dear Maude, you are perfection. Except for the few stray hairs out of place and the initial formation of a boil on your chin. I have something for that at home.
I have not tasted your coffee yet, but I’m sure it will meet our standards.
As far as seating, I would suggest not putting Carol next to Angela, as the latter had a bit of a fling with Carol’s hubbie last fall. Our quota is one fling per couple every three years. It just feels right.
Now I want you to sit right down and relax and enjoy your first dinner party with the girls whom you’ll get to know so much better.
May I have a napkin, please?
Preferably yellow. –Joe Del Priore