Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’m so unhappy and I don’t know why. There is an emptiness inside that I don’t know how to get rid of. I feel like I have no reason to feel so unhappy. I’m married with a nice home and husband. I just feel like my husband and I don’t connect – he doesn’t really know me. I guess what I’m feeling is lonely. I don’t know what would make me feel better. Lately I’ve been drinking more at night to try to feel better. I know that isn’t a good solution. That’s why I’m writing to you. What would you suggest?
Dr. Norquist responds:
I’m sorry you are feeling so lonely and unhappy. The good news is that you can do something about it.
Your letter suggests to me that you are feeling disconnected from yourself. This is probably the source of your inner discontent and sense of disconnection from others. You can’t feel a genuine sense of connection with others if you are not feeling connected with yourself.
The signs of not feeling connected with yourself include inner emptiness and loneliness, trying to “fill up” that inner loneliness with something from the outside (for example, a substance or a person), not feeling a consistent sense of connection with others, and a sense of not feeling known by others (because of not really knowing who you are).
It could be that you have learned to pay extra special attention to what’s going on outside of yourself and are less aware of your sense of where you stand, what’s true for you. Your inner world is at least as rich and complex as the outer world, but unless you choose to pay attention to it, it (and you) remains unknown. What’s important here is for you to develop a consistent core sense of self that you can use to assess what feels right to you in any given situation.
To do this, I suggest that you practice focusing your attention inside of yourself more often. Feelings are conveyed to us through physical sensations. Our core sense of self also starts with our inner sensations. Develop the art of listening to your inner sense of what feels true for you in each moment. This inner sensing can become your guide through life, your rock of Gibraltar, and your core sense of self.
Engaging in this practice over time will help you to fill up that inner emptiness from the inside. As you feel more connected with your own core sense of self, your relationships with others will become more satisfying and connected as well.
Please give this a try and write again with any further questions that arise.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed psychologist (NJ #2371) in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling Services, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling Services, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding health-related concerns. 2010 Chaitanya Counseling Services