Editor’s Note: This is the final recap of the second season of the Real Housewives of New Jersey, so thanks to Hoboken-based comedienne and writer Eileen Budd for doing such an excellent job over more than a dozen episodes! In fact, if you want to hire an editor or comedy writer, you should consider the very talented Eileen (see her e-mail address at the end). She won’t stab you in the back like Kim G. And away we go…
Embraceable You
The attacks pick up where they left off with a rehash of what went down at the benefit at The Brownstone. There’s a heated debate about Danielle’s ex-felon buddy, Danny, making a slur against gays. Danielle says she stopped talking to him because of what he said, but yet we saw her speaking to him in subsequent episodes. Oops, Danielle, we know you don’t lie, so maybe it was just the voices in your head that you stopped talking to. An argument ensued with Danielle accusing the other women of being unchained. “Did we ever stalk you, bitch?” Teresa hurls back at her, referencing that Danielle apparently had been seen in her Range Rover in front of their homes. That’s not fair, Teresa. Maybe Danielle got a job with Slomin’s Shield Security and was just doing her job as a night watchman making sure you were all safely tucked in.
They immediately gang up on Danielle until she starts yelling, “One at a time.” Jacqueline accuses Danielle of seeing married men, but the joke is on Jacqueline. Danielle says she doesn’t sleep with men! (If you didn’t get the memo, she’s changed teams.) Of course, Danielle has to be histrionic and walk off as T. yells after her, “You coward; you pig.” Jacqueline makes a half-hearted dramatic attempt to go after Danielle, but host Andy Cohen holds her back as Danielle calls her a Vegas whore. I’m not sure but that may be a compliment. It’s certainly better than being called a Lincoln Tunnel whore or an Omaha whore, right? (Hmmm, are there any whores in Omaha????) While she’s backstage, Danielle lets her ego take over as she talks smack about Caroline. “We’re the same age and hello…..” She points to her own body for us to take it all in: “No wonder she’s pissed.” As if Caroline with her giant melons is going to be jealous of what Kim Granatell called Danielle’s “fakin’ square t**s.”
When Danielle returns, the discussion turns to Jacqueline’s lack of discipline with daughter Ashley. Jacqueline tries to justify it by saying Ashley has always been tough no matter what was done to discipline her. “We took her door off; we took away her car.” Nothing worked. Well, Jacqueline, you should’ve hit her where it really hurts – you should’ve taken away her hat!
Apparently a fan of Danielle’s sent a Twitter that it was his birthday and he wished Ashley to kill herself. Danielle responded with, “I hope your birthday wishes come true.” When the ladies lay into her for that, she tries to pass off her comment as if she was just responding to his wish for a pink feather boa and world peace. In one of the most outlandish moments of the reunion, Danielle pulls out a wig complete with hair extensions so she can demo how Ashley pulled out her hair. She makes Andy yank on the fake head several times before one of the extensions comes out. You can tell by the appalled look on Andy’s face that he’s thinking, “This is one of the reasons I don’t date women.”
Next, Danielle starts playing the poor, little abused girl card but Teresa’s not buying it. “You were taking boxing classes. Pay me $100,000 and I’ll get in the ring with her,” T. offers. Hey, Don King, call Madison Square Garden. I think you got your next big Rumble in the Jungle – Lipstick Jungle, that is.
Surprise, surprise! Kim G. makes a brief appearance but she doesn’t get along with anybody. Kim tries to throw it in Danielle’s face that she has done so much for her, but Danielle disagrees. “What did you ever give me except agita?” Well, Danielle, getting agita is a lot better than getting crabs. Now Kim G. is pissed at Danielle’s ingratitude and decides to throw a dig back. Recalling that there was supposed to be an escort when she and Danielle went to the charity event at The Brownstone, she said instead there was a guy, “dressed like a gardener or a pizza delivery guy.” I think Kim G. has been watching too many porn movies.
But this time, Kim G. is the one attacked from all sides, rather than Danielle. Teresa gets into it with her. It comes out that Kim G. Tweeted about how broke Teresa was in retaliation for T. saying no one wanted to see Kim’s “old lady butt crack” when she got on a stripper pole in one of the episodes. Beg to differ with you, T.; there are porn sites for that. Just Google ‘Grannies’ Fannies’ or ‘Strap-On Seniors.’ Kim probably knows all about ’em. Before Kim gets up to leave, Danielle threatens, “Be careful what you wish for, Kim Who.” Sounds like the title of a forgotten Dr. Seuss book.
When Kim is finally offstage, Danielle takes a swig of water. “I think I threw up in my mouth.” (There’s a good chance Danielle has had more disgusting things than vomit in her mouth.) Caroline also says she still has no interest in having dinner with Kim. Andy makes the not-so-subtle observation that the only thing the ladies all agree on is that no one likes Kim G.
Andy asks Caroline what she thought of Danielle bringing armed guards to their meeting in the last episode. “It’s asinine. I’m 5”1”, she responds. Oh, sure, you may be little, Caroline, but if you start hurling those ta-tas around, you can do some serious damage. They’re like human nunchucks.
Things take a stranger turn
Somewhere around the question about why Danielle didn’t drop the assault charges against Ashley, things started to take a strange turn. Teresa tells Danielle that Jacqueline would have never pressed charges against one of Danielle’s daughters. That seems to reach Danielle in a place inside that might have been where her heart was located if alien creatures had hearts. Danielle actually apologizes to Jacqueline and the camera catches Caroline in a perfect “What you talking ’bout, Willis?” expression.
Jacqueline goes on to say that she had an epiphany during the break and she is not going to say anything bad about Danielle anymore. Andy, suspecting that may be a short lived promise, asks her, “Will the beast within you be reawakened?” After all, what happens with a Vegas whore, stays with a Vegas whore.
Danielle is so touched by Jacqueline’s attempt to end the war that she starts to cry. “You and I know what we were to each other,” she appeals to Jacqueline. Careful, Danielle. Lori M., your supposedly lesbian girlfriend, might get jealous. Andy takes it a step further and asks Danielle, “Will you drop litigation against these ladies?” Danielle says she’ll contact her attorneys so there will be “peace.” Then she gets up and hugs Teresa!!! And Teresa lets her!!! And then Danielle not only holds Jacqueline close, she whispers in her ear how much she loves her, adding a reassuring, “I’m in a happy place.” Danielle’s in a happy place? Maybe she’s confused and thinks she’s at McDonald’s.
Of course, Danielle disses Caroline and instead of hugging her, just offers a handshake. Caroline’s body language indicates that she’s not buying the Happy Meal Danielle is selling, so Andy asks her what she’s thinking. “This is the biggest crock of sh**t I’ve ever seen in my life,” she replies. And, obviously, you can’t hand the biggest crock of sh**t through a drive-through window. So Danielle and Caroline leave it at mutual contempt. “I don’t like you,” Danielle tells her matter-of-factly. Caroline claps her hands and concludes, “Awesome.”
And that, my friends, is how Season 2 comes to a semi-teary-eyed good-bye. As the credits roll, you can almost hear Celine Dion singing, “My Heart Will Go On.”
I will miss the show and you reading the recaps every week, but it’s time for me to reluctantly go back to my own boring life. Gee, I wonder if Kim G. could use a new friend….
Now for some links and plugs:
1. Need to hire a writer or editor? Contact Eileen at pretty.funny@hotmail.com.
2. For a recap of last week’s part I of the reunion, click HERE.
3. And to read more of what’s going on in Hudson County, New Jersey, in our excellent community newspaper group, click HERE.