Editor’s Note – Can you believe it’s been eight episodes already? Bravo knows how to stretch out these people’s whiny lives like chewed (and snapped) gum. Luckily Hoboken-based comedienne Eileen Budd is back with another recap of the charming reality show, so enjoy and comment below to let us know what you think!
Keeping Abreast of the Times
The episode opens with what else? Bitching about Danielle. Caroline and Jacqueline are talking about how Dina tried to get closure with Danielle. Teresa enters the restaurant sporting dark clothing and a black beaded beret looking like a bedazzled mushroom or the mafia version of a Guardian Angel. With non-nonsense confrontation, she challenges Danielle to come after her. “Try me, bitch,” she taunts into the camera. Don’t waste your breath, Teresa – maybe Danielle doesn’t like mushrooms.
Caroline’s daughter, Lauren, is at beauty school, learning avant garde make up application on a model while Mama Caroline looks on. Lauren’s attempts produce the likes of RuPaul performing in a drag version of The Lion King. Caroline cries as she watches her baby girl in action, perhaps not so much out of pride as in the realization that she’s gonna have to support this half-wit for the rest of her life.
Meanwhile, Caroline’s oldest son, Albie, breaks the news that he’s been kicked out of law school for low grades. Caroline, the ever fiercely protective lioness (let’s stick with the lion theme for a moment), protests the unfairness in light of Albie’s learning disability. It seems Albie has to read something three times before he understands it. Listen, I’m all for giving employees with disabilities a fair shake – but when a lawyer bills by the hour, the last thing you want to hear is your attorney needs triple the normal time to draw up your will. Albie, maybe you should go into another profession where reading things more than once is actually a good thing – like calling numbers at a bingo hall. B-14. B-14. Once again, that’s B-14. Look, I’m not being cruel, I’m just saying that sometimes, you have to give up on your dreams. Hey, when I was in the seventh grade, I wanted to be a choreographer until I came to grips with the reality that I had the coordination of a bowl of Jell-O. At least Albie’s dad, full of encouragement, tells his son to “stay handsome.” Albie shrugs “of course” like he has no choice in the matter.
Jacqueline’s daughter, Ashley, decides that she wants to move back into her mother’s house. Her step-father, Chris, half-heartedly kids, “We’re so peaceful without you – now you’re gonna come back.” Instead of realizing that she’s treading on thin ice, Ashley argues about her curfew all the while wearing one of her ubiquitous dopey knit hats. But I think I finally realized why she always has to wear one of those knit caps all the time – it’s holding in her brains.
Teresa decides to throw a housewarming party for her new chateau even though it’s already a year old (and in bankruptcy). Whenever she opens her home’s massive front doors with silver handles that spread out like wings, it’s like entering zeppole heaven – a magical place where you can live in a $3.9 million dollar mansion without worrying about paying the mortgage you owe.
She hires Elvira, a party planner, but she is clearly annoyed by Elvira’s constant questioning about why she doesn’t have live-in help. T. insists that she likes to do everything herself. “I’m old school, so go scratch,” she informs Elvira. My aunt used to love to tell people to “go scratch” when they annoyed her too. I was never sure exactly what she intended them to scratch…but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t lottery tickets.
Elvira stages the party with a décor of Swarovski crystals and chairs that glitter like the teeth in a pimp’s mouth. She throws in a dance floor populated with a variety of entertainers like fire eaters and break dancers. It’s MTV Cribs meets Cirque du Soleil.
Teresa and husband Joe hold court, dancing the night away in their fancy clothes. Ashley looks at Joe swinging to the music and says, “Joe is so precious.” Or, maybe she mistook Joe for a hobbit and actually said, “Joe’s looking for his Precious.” I’ll have to watch it again to be sure. At any rate, while T. is thanking her guests for coming, sometime friend Kim D. takes it upon herself to grab the microphone away from T. to say a few words of her own. Caroline quips, “If one of my kids did that, I would choke them.” Or at least she’d throw ham at them.
Okay, on to Danielle and her boobs. After three augmentations, she’s having surgery again because her doctor says she has a major deformity – and he wasn’t even talking about her eyebrows. It seems one of her breasts is asymmetrical, so they have to remove her implants and replace them. Danielle, isn’t it easier to just stuff a stale zeppole into your bra to balance things out? It’s a lot cheaper too. But Danielle apparently has found a cut-rate place to save some cash. First of all, I’d be a little hesitant to go under the knife any place that broadcasts it’s a surgical center in 20-foot high letters. And then you have to wonder about the quality of the place even more when some of the letters in its sign don’t even light up at night. It’s like checking into a “MOT L” on a deserted highway only the pillows are made of silicone.
Fortunately, Danielle’s surgery is a success so she goes home to get into bed with her two daughters and three dogs. Smart move, Danielle, having your three little yappy mutts running around your newly minted mounds. But Danielle is jubilant. “My new breasts symbolize everything new – a new start, a new outlook” – yeah, and a new bill you can’t pay.
My favorite quote of the night comes courtesy of Caroline, a.k.a. Mrs. Malaprop. Referring to Danielle, Caroline says, “She’s like parsley. She’s everywhere.” I’m not quite sure what that means, but at least you don’t have to worry about stepping in parsley.
Next week, Danielle picks a bone with Ashley. Will Ashley throw her hat into the ring? I doubt it – she doesn’t take her hat off for anything.
By the way, did anyone catch Danielle on “Watch What Happens” after the Real Housewives? She sang a duet with another woman. She actually has a good voice but it looked like Danielle and the other woman were having a lezfest. With all the bad luck she’s had with men, could Danielle have switched teams? After sitting on the other singer’s lap and playing with her hair, it looks like Danielle may have gotten bitten with beaver fever….
For a recap of last week’s episode, click HERE.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey – Season 2, Episode 8
