Editor’s Note: Comedienne Eileen Budd of Hoboken is back again and gracing us kindly with this week’s recap of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.
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What a yawn of an episode. Danielle has a birthday party. (Who knew witches had birth certificates?) Dina shows off new lip liner around inflated lips that might be even scarier than her hairless cat. Jacqueline’s daughter Ashley sets up hate pages about Danielle on Facebook (which Danielle calls highly terroristic and nothing short of the KKK … except that Danielle’s eyebrows are more spookier than a pointed sheet covering her head).
Ashley is ticked off that Danielle told her she was fat and should lose weight in her arms. That, among other things, prompts Ashley to text Danielle that “You and God both know where you’re going –to hell.” At least Ashley has the spiritual goodness to sign the heinous text, “Bye, Love and Light.” Sending love and light? Who does Ashley think she is – PSE & G or Con Ed? Well, Ashley’s comments cause Danielle to put a warrant out for Ashley’s arrest, which Ashley apparently thinks is so hilarious that she posts it on Facebook.
Meanwhile, Caroline is busy preparing a huge meal for her family and guests. We see her at the butcher’s next to piles of sausages and flanks of beef – but the biggest mounds of meat are her very own ta-tas, which put the size of the rump roasts to shame.
Teresa and Joe are late to the dinner because Teresa says, “You can’t predict what will happen. You’re ready to leave and then the baby poops.” Yeah, sometimes that happens with Grandpa too.
Dina gets ready to meet with Danielle and puts on enough jewelry to open up a Claire’s Accessories. Danielle worries that her “worst fear is that Dina is planning an ambush on me.” Unless Dina is planning on choking Danielle to death with bangle bracelets, I don’t think she has much to worry about it. Danielle indignantly says, “You called me to ask me here to tell me you don’t want to be around me? Who does that?” Normal people do that, Danielle.
The only entertaining spot in this whole episode is when Theresa takes daughter Gia to an audition for a Christian Slater movie and she doesn’t get the part because of her Jersey accent. Teresa says, “I don’t know what a N.J. accent is because I was born and raised here.” The dialect coach tries to show Gia that saying “Gimme a cup a cawfee,” doesn’t fly, but Teresa doesn’t think there’s any need for Gia to lose her Jersey accent. Personally, I am proud as a native New Jerseyan that so many of our words have roots in the Native American language – words like wimme, wichoo, wimmeayu, whaddyea! Here, let me use them in a sentence: “He don’t know if he wants to go to the party wimmee or wichoo so maybe he’ll go wimmeayu – whaddya think?”
This episode just goes over the same Danielle storyline over and over. Personally, here’s what I’d really like to see on the next episode:
Ashley gets a job at either at The Gap, where she has to fold sweaters all day until she develops arthritis in her fingers, or as a carny operating the Swiss Bob ride at the boardwalk. Gia gets the lead in a Martin Scorcese movie where she’s forced to bury her father alive in a grave of greasy zeppoles. Dina’s hairless cat is requisitioned to spend time with each terrorist in his cell at Guantanamo Bay until he makes a complete confession before sending it off to bin Laden’s cave. Caroline pushes out her ta-tas so far that they qualify for a spot in the next edition of America’s Got Talent. And, lastly, Danielle and Teresa wrestle in vat of tiramisu until one of them succumbs to a nasty case of lactose intolerance.
Next week, Dina lets Danielle know that karma is a bitch, and so is she.
For recaps of previous episodes, click HERE. Comment on this post below.
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