(Editor’s Note: Hoboken-based comedienne Eileen Budd is back with another recap of the show that makes us feel better about ourselves, because we’ve convinced ourselves we’re so much better than them — The Real Housewives of New Jersey.)
Girls, guns, and goombas
The episode starts with Joe and Teresa bringing home baby Audriana and discussing the need for a bigger Cadillac for their growing family. Joe pays T. an adorable compliment: “You popped that kid out like it was a ping pong. ”Joe gets his analogies from hanging around bachelor parties, no doubt.
T. wants Joe to get “snipped” so they don’t have any more kids. “You got the wrong guy, “he says. “I’m not getting snipped. What are you gonna do when it doesn’t work anymore?” But T. has it all figured out. “I’ll get somebody younger. ”That’s right, girlfriend – there are a lot of hot zeppoles in the frying pan – but it might be hard to find one denser than your Joe.
As the baby sleeps in her bassinet, Joe leans over to whisper sweet things to his infant daughter about her mother: “You got 20 minutes to rest before she puts you in another outfit.”
Christopher, Caroline’s son, has a friend visiting, so he reaches into the fridge for a little welcome gift – a slab of ham for the infamous ham game, where you lob a gob of ham onto a person so it sticks.(See episode 3 recap for explanation.) “Put the ham away,” Caroline admonishes. Don’t these kids own Monopoly or Trivial Pursuit?
T. invites godmother-to-be Dina over for some drinks and to discuss Danielle. T. thinks Danielle is a bomb ready to explode or as she puts it:“Tick, tock, psycho bitch. ”Quentin Tarantino, take note – that’s a great name for your next movie.As T. and Dina dish the dirt, T.’s little girls are dancing and doing somersaults. That’s right, kids, practice now for those pole dancing jobs!
Ashley (Jacqueline’s daughter) and her older boyfriend, Derek, have dinner with Lauren (Caroline’s daughter) and her boyfriend, Vito, at Hoboken’s very own Lua. Although only 18, Ashley moved out of the house because she was tired of being told what to do and says she is staying with a friend (although everyone thinks she is living with Derek). She also says she’s on birth control.Proudly, she states, “I’m making good choices. ”It’s just a thought, Ashley, but perhaps being in school and trying to earn some money might be better choices than mooching off of other people. Lua is expensive!
Jacqueline goes to visit Derek’s mother to bond and discuss their children’s relationship. They get sloshed on wine and wind up dangling bunches of grapes over each other’s mouths Roman-orgy style. One more glass of Pinot Grigio and they are 5 seconds away from watching a lesbian porn movie together.
T. throws a party for daughter Gia, who is turning 9. Gia has to wait for her present from her parents and the kid is beside herself. “Please, I’m on my knees,” Gia pleads. Uh, Gia, can you say “hyperbole?” When she gets her little motorbike, her mother asks her, “Do you love it?”“I like it,” Gia responds not wanting to make her mother’s head too big. Yeah, Gia, don’t ever let your parents think they can actually please you. You have to set the protocol for your three other sisters.
As her little friends come through the door for her birthday bash, Gia just looks for the booty they brought. After she collects her gifts, they all pile into a stretch limo that has “Sweet & Sassy” painted on it and head to a spa for a day of partying and decadence. It’s kinda like a pre-pubescent version of Girls Gone Wild. As Gia smears on a chocolate facial mask, T. proudly declares she only raises “divas, not tomboys.”
Joe gets a tattoo of his new daughter’s name on his arm but forgets how to spell Audriana. “Is it one “n” or two? ”Well, Joe, it might be easier to remember it this way: Your daughter’s name has one “n” in it but “nincompoop” has two. Teresa would never get a tattoo herself because as she sees it, “Would you put a bumper sticker on a Bentley? ”Probably not, but then again, a Bentley doesn’t pop out ping pong balls from its exhaust pipe.
Caroline lets us in on a little secret: “I shave my face every day. ”T.’s reaction to that little tidbit? “It friggin’ blew my mind. I couldn’t believe what I’m hearing. ”Teresa, come on – you’re Italian for God’s sake.I’m Italian too. We both know you could have a 5-o’clock shadow before your second cup of coffee in the morning.
So the big scene comes when Danielle goes to The Brownstone (owned by the Manzos) for a fundraiser for a sick baby. She is flanked by an entourage of assorted no neck palookas, goombas, Hell’s Angels, and ex-felons. The group includes Danny, Danielle’s friend who’s on parole. There’s no table to be found reserved for Danielle and crew and they’re not happy about it.“Big mistake,” threatens Danny.But maybe it has something to do with the fact that they didn’t pay.
Danielle apparently thinks she’s J Lo and everyone should just be happy that she’s gracing the soiree with a guest appearance. Danny’s not tolerating the disrespect and becomes quite vocal, “A punk is a punk is a punk and it looks like the Manzos are punks. ”Danny, can you tell us what a punk is again?Is it a punk or a punk? Danielle tells everyone that they’re leaving with dignity, but once outside, she says to the invisible Caroline Manzo, “And you call me garbage? Look in the mirror. And you do this to a little baby? ”I’m pretty sure the baby has no clue what’s going on, but if she did, I think she’d agree with getting Danielle the hell out of her fundraiser. But I do have to question a fundraiser for a sick baby where a shotgun is the first prize in a raffle! Who thought up that one? The NRA?
Next week, Dina has enough and confronts Danielle. I say just stick Danielle in a room with that hairless wonder, Grandma Wrinkles. That should scare the crap out of her. — Eileen Budd
Note: For last week’s recap, click HERE. For more of what’s happening in Hudson County, New Jersey, click www.hudsonreporter.com