Below, Hoboken-based comedienne Eileen Budd presents her recap of the latest episode of ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’ here at www.hudsonreporter.com, where we’re very proud to be from New Jersey.
It was all about the sayings this week. The stuff that comes out of the mouths of the housewives and company is better than a good Letterman Top Ten List.
The opening gives us a glimpse into Danielle’s house, which she has placed on the market due to an ex-husband who allegedly won’t pay her bills and ludicrously expects her to work. One of the items that Danielle is most proud of is the bathroom bidet (for that nice, clean feeling). There’s a joke in there somewhere but I’m having trouble flushing it out. Every time there is a close up of Danielle’s face, her eyebrows remind me of two stealth bombers ready to take off.
Teresa meets Jacqueline and Caroline for lunch at a restaurant where she comments on her expanding backside. With her usual positive attitude, she chooses to see her full behind as the glass being half-full. “Joe likes a big ass,” she announces. She’s like the Kim Kardashian of New Jersey, only, so far, no sex tape has surfaced with T. and her zeppole husband rolling around the powdered sugar sheets. Two seconds later, T. exasperatedly complains that Joe has been bothering her for sex ever since she has had her new boobies. “Do what you gotta do and leave me alone,” she tells him. Spoken like a real trouper. We all have to take one for the team sometimes – especially when that team peels off hundred dollar bills to give you to buy bejeweled tops and bedazzled sandals.
Of course, there has to be a rehash of Danielle’s nefarious past with reference to her involvement with kidnapping, cocaine, and guns. Caroline warns her sister-in-law regarding Jacqueline’s friendship with Danielle. “You hang around garbage, you start to stink.” How would you even know if you start to stink? You’re living in New Jersey – everything stinks!
Meanwhile, Caroline’s kids, Lauren, Albie, and Chris, are having a food fight, throwing sliced ham that sticks to each other, walls, and cabinets. It’s kinda like playing pork paintball. When his mother yells at them to stop playing the “ham game,” Chris asks his mother if she could buy good ham to eat and cheap ham to throw for their favorite pastime. Wait, I forget, are there still children starving in Africa?
Albie is having a hard time accepting that his best friend, Vito, is now dating his sister, Lauren. He says to his sister, “Thinking of him holding your hand makes me throw up in my mouth a little.” Maybe Albie just ate some bad ham. All I can say is, Albie, you’re not alone. There are a lot of women with nice jewelry who threw up in their mouths a little to get it.
Jacqueline’s daughter, Ashley, brings home laundry to her mom. The poor kid has been exhausted, too busy going clubbing and staying out until 2 a.m. to have time to do it herself. After fighting with her mother, Jacqueline tells her goodbye and to take the laundry with her. Ashley makes this face that makes me want to reach through the TV and slap her so hard that her jaunty knit cap goes sailing into last year’s fashion season. Dina’s sound advice to Jacqueline about how to handle Ashley is to “open a can of whoop ass.” Yeah, it’s heartwarming when Dina reminisces about childhood and the “good old fashioned Italian beating where they don’t hurt you; they just want to teach you a lesson.” It’s like conjuring up an episode of the Waltons only with meatballs and a leather strap.
Teresa takes 8-year-old daughter Gia for a tryout to walk in Fashion Week. Hands fluttering, she confides to the camera that the key is to “think positive…and what else?” Clearly at a loss of words because she is so taken with her daughter’s talent, T. can only smile proudly as Gia struts in front of the talent agent then freezes in place hands on hips, vacuously staring into space like a zombie on crack. Danielle snidely says to the camera, “Gia doesn’t have what it takes to be a supermodel….she’s four feet tall.” Uh, Danielle, she’s 8 – she’s supposed to be four feet tall!
Danielle is all proud and haughty because her teen daughter, Christine, has not only nailed her photo shoot, she’s landed the cover of a prestigious magazine. Famous photographer Gilles Bensimon takes a photo of Danielle with her daughter and smitten Danielle oozes, “Put a fork in me, I’m done.” Somehow, we know that Danielle has had a whole lot more than a fork put in her. More like the kitchen drawer.
By the way, Gilles is the former husband of that other nut job, Kelly Bensimon, from The Real Housewives of New York. It’s hard to say who’s more self-absorbed: Kelly, Danielle, or Paris Hilton staring longingly into a mirror. Danielle hosts a luncheon to celebrate her daughter’s instantaneous modeling success but she unfortunately forgets to invite someone – her daughter! As she coos in front of her friends, holding court at a lavish restaurant, we almost forget that, 45 minutes earlier, she was complaining that she was in debt and had to sell her house.
But Danielle, like a good mother and role model, has set her priorities. Who needs a roof over your head when you can dine al fresco on imported prosciutto and caprese salad?
My favorite quotes of the night:
– Teresa’s husband Joe impatiently chops garlic and pours olive oil as he bitches, “I’m not friggin’ cookin’ no more.” Hey, Teresa, you should’ve taken the advice you gave your own daughters last week. You should’ve married a nice Jewish guy. He wouldn’t complain. And he’d probably be a better cook.
– Dina and a ready-to-pop Teresa discuss pregnancy and delivery. Dina tells T., “Things are not pretty down there.” Unless Dina’s hairless cat was at their feet, I think “down there” might have referred to T’s zeppole chute. There’s an image that will stick in our heads at St. Ann’s feast!
– When Chris was in the throes of his “ham game,” he stood still long enough for us to make out what was written on his tee shirt: “Girls Don’t Poop.” It’s nice to be reminded of that while you’re eating a ham sandwich that will eventually work its way out of your system. But, there’s actually some validity to the sentiment. Ask any girl who just started dating a guy and stayed over his house – at least for the first three times. After that, all bets are off. – Eileen Budd
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(To see the recap of last week’s episode, click HERE!)