Dear Dr. Norquist:
I read your article in the Hudson Reporter and decided to write to you. I am 83 years old and live in an Assisted Living Facility. I have two children, a son (49) and a daughter (44). Both live in New Jersey. I moved here last May and before that I lived for the previous 20 years in the South. Due to a very bad illness which I caught in the hospital while there for a knee replacement, my daughter saw to it that I was moved back to New Jersey. I have recovered now but my worry is my son.
My son did not visit me during the 20 years I lived in the South. His excuse was always: too busy. But now that I live nearby he still has not come to see me either. My daughter is in her last month of pregnancy and he has not gone to see her yet. His relatives have practically given up on inviting him because his excuse always is being either sick or too busy.
I know in my heart that my son is not well. He has love but he cannot show it. How can I help him? I cannot make him see a doctor, he would not admit to needing any help. That is why I thought it would be good to write to you and ask for advice. With your answer, I would send him my letter as well and he would recognize it. Thank you for listening.
Dr. Norquist responds:
You are coming from your heart – a very powerful place. You are seeing beyond your son’s actions, and sensing the underlying hurt. When we love someone we are forever vulnerable to their pain and suffering. This is the way of Love. Joy and pain are inseparable. But not loving is to say no to life and living. Loving and connecting with others provides the richness, depth, and meaning to being alive. It sounds like your son doesn’t know this – yet.
As you know, each of us has our own path, our own healing journey. We all learn from our own experiences, on our own time schedule. Although we would love to impart our hard-earned life wisdom to our children, it falls on deaf ears until they experience it for themselves in their own way at the time that is right for them. Until the ground is fertile and the time is right, the seeds of wisdom will not sprout.
As you (said) know, you cannot force your son to see a doctor. His life is his to live. His decisions are his to make. What you can do however, is to express your love and your concern, from your heart. No pushing, exaggerating or manipulating – just a direct, powerful from the heart expression of your love and concern. Then offer it up and let it go, and continue to support him daily on your own, sending prayers, love and light.
You do not have control over how he responds, but you are not helpless here. You can use this as an opportunity to grow in your own ability to love. Loving is never wasted energy.
Thank you for writing. I hope this is helpful to you and your family.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed psychologist (NJ #2371) in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling Services, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling Services, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding health-related concerns. 2010 Chaitanya Counseling Services