Dear Dr. Norquist:
My son, who is in his first year at college came to my husband and I last week and told us that he is very unhappy and that he thinks he has a problem with drugs (he won’t tell what kind of drug). We were shocked. I knew he wasn’t happy but I had no idea that he was using drugs. No one in our family has ever had a problem with drug or alcohol use so I don’t know how it happened to him. We always did our best to give him the love and support he needed but he never really seemed to fit in. Since he told me I can’t stop my mind from going to all kinds of worries. He is only home for a week (on spring break). I’m scared about him going back. I’m scared about him going out with his friends. Now he feels I’m controlling his life. I’m glad he told us – but my world is shattered. I can’t sleep. I worry what the family will think – and I feel helpless. I don’t know what to do. Should he go back to school? That’s what he wants to do. He tells me to stop messing around with his life – but then why did he tell me about the drugs? My husband is so angry about it that he can’t even talk about it. I’m at a loss about what to do now.
Dr. Norquist responds:
What a testament it is to your relationship with your son that he came to you for support! It is also a sign that he is ready on some level to do something about it.
Your personal reaction (insomnia, chronic worrying, and trying to get some sense of control over his behavior) is a normal response to an emotionally overwhelming situation. This is also true regarding your husband’s angry response. When we are overwhelmed, our nervous system stays in a state of over-arousal. Learning to bring your body into a relaxed, “feeling safe” place is essential for you to be most helpful to your son. This will take effort on your part. Relaxation exercises, yoga, meditation, mindfulness, and deep breathing can all be helpful tools in this regard. If you have a history of prior stressful situations, professional help may be merited.
It is important to keep reminding yourself that you cannot fix your son’s depression or drug use. The natural impulse (especially as a mother) is to try to fix, manage, or control in an attempt to assure your son’s safety. It is important to keep bringing yourself back to the recognition that the only thing you have the ability to control is yourself and your own reactions. I highly recommend obtaining literature on and attending Al-anon meetings for personal support and assistance in handling this situation.
Fortunately, it sounds like your son is open to help. An assessment by a licensed professional who can assess both substance abuse and depression will give him a sense of the degree of his problem and recommend treatment possibilities, and next steps. Please write again if you have further questions.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed psychologist (NJ #2371) in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling Services, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling Services, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding health-related concerns. 2010 Chaitanya Counseling Services