Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’m hoping you can give me some help or suggestions for getting over the death of my husband. We were married for 30 years – most of them very happy. He died two years ago after a year-long struggle with cancer. I know the first year is supposed to be very hard, but it’s been over two years now and I still can’t seem to get on with my life. I go through the motions, but I feel hollow inside. It’s a terrible feeling. I’m always lonely. Our kids are grown and living out west. I don’t have any family nearby, just neighbors (who have been supportive). I don’t know how to get beyond this lonely hollow feeling inside.
Dr. Norquist responds:
It sounds like you are experiencing ‘complicated grief’. Your grief process is stalled, frozen in time and not moving forward. The question to ask is, “What is getting in the way of your grieving process?” Complicated grief is most common when there is a history of prior losses, trauma, difficulties with the early mother-child attachment experience, or difficulty accepting and tolerating feelings such as guilt, anger, and fear.
You have been experiencing chronic hollowness and loneliness. The natural response to this is to try to turn away from these feelings to avoid feeling the pain. Feelings that are not acknowledged and processed remain stuck in time. Learning to stay present, compassionately being with your inner pain is remarkably healing and transformative. My suggestion is that you set aside 10 minutes or so of quiet alone time everyday to move toward your pain. Try to be with your pain with compassion and acceptance, observing it with loving eyes. Emotional healing is a process that moves forward naturally when the conditions are right. If this exercise feels overwhelming for you, then professional help may be useful in developing the emotional muscle for tolerating your feelings.
Ultimately, you need to build a new world for yourself. This entails establishing a new kind of relationship with your husband – an inner experience of who he truly was, and how your relationship with him is a part of who you are now. This starts with tuning into your own feelings, needs, and dreams, and developing a loving relationship with your own inner self. Life awaits your creation.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed psychologist (NJ #2371) in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling Services, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling Services, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding health-related concerns. 2010 Chaitanya Counseling Services