Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’m writing to thank you for all of your wisdom that you deliver each week. I’ve clipped so many of your articles, and recently wrote to you about my boyfriend of two years from Canada, 47 years old. We did get engaged and it’s been wonderful, and I attribute his hesitancy to a number of things, but nonetheless I’m going in with an open heart. I really enjoyed your advice to the woman with the sick husband about appreciation. You truly have a gift.
Do you or anyone you know offer career counseling? I’m a journalist who was laid off in April and not finding a fit, and I think that’s because I always wanted to try a different road but after you turn 40 you feel like what you do is what you do. I’m searching, but not as aggressively as I should, and sometimes I wonder what that’s ‘telling me.’ I just sat in a speech pathology class at Seton Hall to see how it was, could I go back and study again, who else is in the class, etc. and I really liked it. Then I go back and post jobs in my old field, so I think there’s a fear I’m trying to get past or something.
Dr. Norquist responds:
This column is a continuation of last week’s column on techniques called ‘Focusing’ which is a skill that can be readily accessed and practiced when you are feeling stuck, unsure, or out of touch with yourself. (For more information, see www.focusing.org ).
You have been laid off and are feeling stuck and unsure about which direction to take your job search. You say you’ve always wanted to try “a different road” but that perhaps there is a fear that is holding you back. If you would like to use “focusing” on this fear, perhaps a greater understanding of it will emerge.
Start by providing some quiet time for yourself, somewhere where you will not be interrupted. Take a moment to notice the chair beneath you and the weight of your feet on the floor. Now move your awareness to the center of your body (abdomen, stomach and chest). Ask yourself “What is this fear that arises when I consider a new career direction?” (or any question that feels more right to you). Now sense your body’s response. Pay close attention to any sensations that arise in your body. Your body could respond with a churning stomach, a tension or a fluttering, a heaviness, an emptiness, or anything else. The important thing here is to just notice the sensation – without judging it and without trying to figure out what it means. Whatever comes, acknowledge it, and just be with it – with interested curiosity. Keep it company and allow it to be just as it is.
How would you describe this body sensation or “felt sense”? Is there a word, phrase, or an image that best describes it? If so, give this description back to your “felt sense” and see if it feels right. This feedback can help you to develop an even clearer, more accurate description.
As your inner knowing feels “heard” you may feel a deep and satisfying sense of relief or resolution. This leads to a shift in the “felt sense” and movement forward to a further unfoldment and more understanding of the issue at hand. You may want to repeat the above steps with this newly emerged “felt sense” for an even deeper sense understanding and resolution.
Focusing is a process for learning to listen to your inner wisdom, a body-knowing place that can help you to move forward in your life. If you’d like assistance with focusing, feel free to give me a call at (201) 659-3060 ext. 15. I do not do career counseling per se although I do offer life coaching, which can be helpful in this regard. Universities usually offer career counseling and they may know of career counselors who work privately. Feel free to write again with any questions that arise.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed psychologist (NJ #2371) in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling Services, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling Services, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding health-related concerns. 2009 Chaitanya Counseling Services