Like many people, I recently watched the popular “Real Housewives of New York” reality series on Bravo. It can’t claim any educational value; it chronicles wealthy Manhattanites and their catfights. While most of the women on the show are wives and mothers, there’s also a highly successful business owner named Bethenny who – to provide contrast – is not a housewife.
Bethenny is, in fact, funny, successful, pretty, and…single in her late 30s. Whenever another housewife is in a fight with her and wants to insult her, that housewife simply points out that Bethenny is alone as some sort of failing. Recently, in the “reunion” show, Bethenny noted that her single status was the subject of several condescending remarks and insinuations from the others. Never mind that Bethenny avoided settling down with the wrong person or an abusive man; being single – no matter what her reasons – made her seem like she wasn’t lovable enough for someone to commit to, and opened her up for criticism. And there was no one by her side to defend her.
This kind of unfair judgment is often applied to many prominent women, even recently in Hoboken politics.
Last month, we had a mayoral election. Some of the activists who were single women were derided on local message boards for speaking their minds, and some of those jabs included anonymous, nasty comments about their singlehood (whatever the reason for it).
Here is one comment that was posted on a newspaper website last month about a female activist:
“I have a personal question for you are you always this inept? Do you always find you fail at everything you do. For example no boyfriend or for that matter a girlfriend. Your charming personality made you miss the boat with both sexes.
“Why are you so lonely is it because of your weight? Personality or lack thereof? Your looks? I really feel sorry for you it must be very lonely having so much animosity burning inside you and so much animosity directed against you. Do you think a therapist might be helpful?”
End of post.
Can you imagine that they would direct this kind of insult against a single man? Doubtful. But a woman being single, plus the ever-popular weight item, was apparently just too much for this fellow with poor grammar skills to pass up. I guess it’s important to make a personal attack if you want to prevent someone from suggesting budget cuts.
There are lots of reasons for anyone to be single: Hasn’t met the right person yet, still hurting from last relationship, dating someone who won’t commit, or for all we know, their fiance died on 9/11. Why should it matter? People shouldn’t criticize a woman who speaks out by pointing out her single status. But it’s just one of the unfair ways women are judged in society (that is, until they get judged on being a working mom, or being a stay-at-home mom, or not having any kids, or only having one kid, or having octuplets….)
Of course, there are exceptions. About 10 years ago, there was an outspoken female activist in Hoboken who had three kids. Some guy used to post on the message boards saying she should stop causing trouble because “your kids need you.” However, the mayor whom this woman used to criticize also had three kids, and no one complained that he was neglecting his fatherly duties while he burned the midnight oil at Town Hall.
A woman who stays single late into life should be praised for avoiding a bad relationship or for being strong and responsible, and it’s none of anyone’s business but her own. And while I’m not single myself, I have single friends who just can’t seem to meet someone nice. They are hard-working and successful. Want to meet them?
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