The Finale
Editor’s note: Hoboken-based comedienne Eileen Budd has been writing our recaps of the Bravo TV reality series “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.” Enjoy them? Have a comment? Comment below!
Well, the last episode of the season got off to an easy start with Dina visiting Teresa in her new castle. As Dina and her daughter approach the imposing gold front doors of the house, Dina remarks, “I feel like I’m visiting Oz.” Only, the Wizard couldn’t afford a multi-million dollar French Chateau.
Teresa shows Dina the stone sinks and counters and floors as Dina laughs, “You have onyx coming out of your ass, Teresa.” That’s not all she has. Like most New Jerseyans, she also has taste coming out of her ass.
Danielle shows her kids modeling pictures from her heyday and one of the kids looks at the photos and says, “Scary.” I don’t even want to think about what Danielle’s pose might have been. Danielle takes this opportunity to bring up the now infamous book that detailed her questionable past. Insisting that the only things that were true were that “I did get arrested and change my name,” Danielle obviously feels that these are just activities that everyone does at some point in their lives.
Jacqueline’s parents come to visit in a Winnebago the size of a city block. I’m sure her upscale Franklin Lakes neighbors liked seeing that beauty in the driveway. Property values immediately dropped 1,000 percent.
Seems like Jacq’s mom is a little ray of sunshine – every story of hers ends in death. When Jacqueline says she wants to do Botox, her mother snaps, “It’s poison. It’ll go through your system and you’ll die.” If that’s the case, most of Hollywood would be Night of the Living Dead. Oh, wait, they are.
Dina helps her daughter, Lexi, clean out all the stuffed animals underneath her bed because Lexi is growing up – getting boobies and all, and Dina can’t stop her. Scary Cat makes the obligatory appearance just to make sure we stay awake with a “Holy crap, what was that?”
Caroline trains her German Shepherd that was bred by family friend, Bernie Kerik. Yes, that Bernie Kerik – the disgraced former NY Police Commissioner who has been in trouble more times than maybe even Danielle.
Dina and Caroline have a little talk about=2 0Dina wanting to give up her imaginary interior design/event planning career to stay home and take care of her daughter and missing-in-action hubby. Daughter Lexi chimes in, “Half the mothers don’t even work in Franklin Lakes.” Ah, Lexi, but that would mean the other half do. NOT.
“How many flower arrangements can you do? “ Caroline rhetorically asks, confusing me as to which way she was trying to convince Dina to go. Was she referring to Dina’s event planning career or Dina’s housewife responsibilities?
The dinner party
But the big event of the night was the dinner party Teresa threw for everyone – including Danielle. Before she arrives at the restaurant, there is gaiety (no t that kind, Joe, ’cause we know you’re homophobic) and good natured fun-poking. Dina refers to the nips on Teresa’s new boobies when she cautions, “Your high beams are coming on.” Teresa innocently responds, “They weren’t on before?” No, Teresa – those were just your parking lights. The talk turns to more boobies (of course) and Joe asks Caroline’s son a question no kid wants to answer about his mother: “Your mom’s – are they real?” Nice, Joe. What’s your next question: “Does your mother like doggie style?”
There’s more good- natured kidding when someone mentions that Teresa’s picking up the check. “Yeah, you’ll pick it up and give it to Joe.” And Joe, being the class act that he is, tries to make his guests feel comfortable about eating oysters. He looks at one and says, “I can’t eat this. This one’s got a big lump of s— in there.” (I skeeve, I skeeve.)
More hilarity ensues as someone offers Teresa the advice not to chew an oyster but j ust to swallow it. “I’m not big on swallowing,” Teresa says, proud of her double entendre. Oh, you’ve swallowed plenty, Teresa – like your pride when you agreed to do this show.
Teresa reveals more about her marital sex life. “He wants it three times a day. I’m sore.” We feel for you, T. It’s uncomfortable enough to have a heavy zeppole lay in your stomach; I can’t even imagine having a heavy zeppole lay on your stomach – and three times a day at that!
In fact, Joe wanted to do it in the car coming home from Teresa’s breast augmentation. When they got home, he gave her a prosciutto sandwich and wanted to get down to business. But she protested. “I just got surgery. Can I heal?” That French Chateau don’t come cheap, T.
And then in comes party pooper, Danielle. She brings out the infamous book, “Cop Without a Badge.” No, it’s not about Bernie Kerik. It’s the book with Danielle’s arrest mug shot in it.20Danielle accuses the ladies of talking behind her back, particularly Dina. “I sat home throwing up with diarrhea because of you.” Uh, Danielle, are you sure it just wasn’t something you picked up from your twink? Joe looks at Danielle like she’s the thing he just saw sitting in his oyster.
Danielle and Teresa start to throwdown and the kids don’t want to be forced to leave because the action is better than a game of Grand Theft Auto. As accusations fly, Jacqueline finally rats out her sister-in-law, Dina, calling her a liar. Seems that Dina may have started the whole mess when she found something about Danielle on the computer and told Jacqueline about it. Then Caroline got a hold of the book and started showing it around. Danielle insists there are only two truths in the book: “I was arrested. I changed my name.” But Teresa keeps confronting her with the theory that there has to be something more for it to have been discussed in the book (like the supposed kidnapping, extortion, involvement with a Colombian cartel). Danielle gets impatient and snarkily tells Teresa she’s not been paying attention. T does not take kindly to this attack, especially since she is the gracious host of the party.
Next thing we know, Teresa is throwing over the table and yelling at Danielle, “You —-in’ stupid bitch.” Now, that’s Jersey girl style!
Danielle, not understanding why Teresa would take offense, off-handly comments that Teresa behaved “like a frickin’ caged animal at the zoo.” Yeah, Danielle. It’s kinda like when you keep poking the fuzzy koala bear until he turns around and takes a chunk out of your hand.
Dina calls to Danielle, “I cannot stomach you,” to which Danielle retorts, “The feeling is mutual.” Jacqueline’s husband intervenes and chastises people for the way they are acting. He states that he would welcome Danielle into his home anytime. Caroline says Danielle and Dina should apologize to each other. Even Dina starts to soften when she points to her head as she tells Danielle, “I’m gonna pray for you ’cuz you’re cuckoo up there.”
The evening winds down with Teresa, citing Danielle’s provocation as justification for her little fit, declaring, “I’m a very classy woman.” Like I said, T, you showed some serious Jersey girl style.
Although the episode had some wild action, I think my favorite part was when they had a commercial for the finale DURING the show.
Next week
Next week is the reunion special. Jacqueline has since had a baby boy and Teresa is due in September with her little zeppole. Congrats to them both. Deep down, they’re both caring women and good moms. Caroline could probably give a crap if there’s another season or not. She’s happy in her own family world making gravy and finding her sons’ lost socks. I thi nk there’s a chance Dina may wind up missing the limelight and get back into doing events. Let’s just hope she doesn’t decide to breed that scary alien animal she calls a cat.
And Danielle….oh, Danielle. Sometimes we want to feel sorry for you…but what stops us is that you don’t want to own up to your responsibilities. We’ve all exercised poor judgment in our past and have done things for which we are deeply ashamed. For instance, I’ll admit I had a crush on Mel Gibson. But I don’t make excuses for my behavior (although he was hot 20 years ago). Just take ownership for your past and stop blaming others. You’re getting the attention you crave – you had a spread in People Magazine, you subbed for a vacationing Kathy Lee Gifford on Today and did a good job (okay, so anyone would be less annoying than Kathy Lee), and you have ambition and potential. The only reason you might not be back next season is because you got your own reality show. Move over, reality star New York, you might have competition!