They say raw almonds lower cholesterol. Last week, I ate 472 almonds. Now, I can’t get off the couch.
I spotted a squirrel in my backyard scavenging in my garbage pail. So I did the humane thing and brought some nuts out and scattered them. Next day, I looked outside and the nuts were untouched. The squirrel was once again in my garbage.
I went out and walked right up to him, pointing to the nuts.
“Why are you ignoring my offering?” I asked. He looked up and frowned. Then, he spoke.
“I have no appetite for nuts,” the squirrel said, burying his head back into the pail.
“Why, that’s impossible,” I replied. “All squirrels love nuts. It’s in their nature.”
He picked up his head from the remnants of my McDonald’s Southwest Salad and snarled, “Who said I was a squirrel?”
“That matter is not in doubt,” I stated.
“As any fool can see,” he said, “I’m a chipmunk.”
“I beg to differ.”
“Look at my coloring. My tail is not nearly as bushy as a squirrel.”
“What’s the difference?”
“Squirrels live in trees; I reside in the ground.”
“That would mean you’re a groundhog.”
“Don’t make me smack you,” he said. “I was raised as a chipmunk with all the class and distinction, as well as responsibilities that entails. Who are you to deny me my identity? Label me carelessly. I have lived my life adhering to chipmunk traditions, values, communication, and culture. I have a chipmunk’s world view. Here you come along with your high minded, missionary, controlling, peanut-centered mentality seeking to deny me my history. Barbarian!”
“I’m sorry. I never thought about it like…”
“Stop apologizing and get me some damn fine-grained wood.”
“I thought beavers…”
“Don’t try to further confuse me, Barbarian. We both know that I am a creature with a propensity for wood.”
“Then why are you chomping on those salsa chips?”
“Like you’ve never experimented.” Point taken.
“I once switched from Macadamia to cashews,” I said.
“Dilettante. Imposing your nutritional beliefs on another species is a capital offense where I come from.”
With thoughts of a trial by chipmunks, I retreated toward the house.
“Where do you think you’re going, fascist?”
“Back inside.”
“Not until you clean up this mess you made. Talk about leaving a carbon footprint. You’ve thrown your garbage all over the lawn. Don’t you ever think about future generations?”
“They’re only nuts.”
“That’s what Exxon said after the Valdez. It’s only oil.”
I hurriedly picked up the nuts. Now, the ants will call me cheap. – Joe Del Priore