Editor’s note: This is an advice column for men and women who want a real opinion. Due to the saturated single’s scene in Hudson County, the Current has found a relationship guru who will help with all your dating dilemmas. Look for advice here every other week.
Dear Ms. Fix-it:
I have a terrific boyfriend that everyone likes – and I do mean everyone – my friends, my mother, my family. The problem is I think he is terrific to everyone but me. He always wants me to do things that he wants to do like going to dinner or sporting events, yet he never does what I want. When I suggest that we visit a museum or play tennis he often says that he is too tired. My boyfriend works a lot and has to travel for his job, but he can’t be tired all the time. I feel that he should make some sort of effort on things that I want to do. I love him and I believe he loves me, but I feel like I want less talk and more action. What should I do? – Frustrated with all the talk
Dear Frustrated:
I think he might honestly be tired, because you’ve already exhausted me.
Ugh…is it possible that he’s making excuses to avoid activities that he simply doesn’t enjoy? Not to mention that there’s a big difference between having a quiet dinner and trudging through an endless maze of exhibits. If he works and travels so much, as you’ve admitted, then I can understand his lack of enthusiasm. Honestly, if someone tried to drag ME to a museum, I’d find a way out, too!
He can’t be the only friend you have, am I right? No couple needs to share everything, and those who try end up hating each other. Go to a museum with someone else, for Pete’s sake (especially if your boyfriend’s name is Pete), OR…heaven forbid, ALONE!!
If he’s so terrific, and this is your only complaint, then quit your whining and count your lucky stars!
Dear Ms. Fix-it:
I am what you might call a serial dater. I have an active dating and sex life and good friends that I see on a regular basis. The problem is with an ex of mine whom I still see on a regular basis. (We work together.) When we were together I thought he moved things along too fast. Within a week he wanted me to meet his parents. I said no, but they ‘happened by’ the restaurant we were eating at. I was mad and told him so. Anyway, a few weeks later he got cold feet and broke it off. We stayed friendly and now we are “friends with benefits.” I don’t mind this arrangement except that he is particular about when and where we get together. Oh – he also buys me gifts occasionally and lunch. (Sexy, secret gifts like lingerie and perfume). Yet he doesn’t appreciate it when I talk to other men, but according to him, we aren’t a couple. I like the benefits, but I don’t like the bullsh–. What should I do? – Confused
Dear Confused:
Dump him. Dump him. Dump him.
You’re kidding, right? You’ve completely misused the phrase “friends with benefits.” You are in a relationship with this loser. He only claims that you’re not together because he knows that’s what you want to hear. He doesn’t like when you talk to other men? No, this is not a casual arrangement. And unless you’re not being straight with me, that’s precisely the kind of drama you’re trying to avoid!
Yes, you are confused. You’re sending mixed messages my way, and I’ve no doubt you’re doing the same to this poor loser you’re involved with. You start off saying that this guy was too into you…to the point where you were uncomfortable. But how enamored could he be if he got cold feet and broke it off?
There’s nothing to be confused about. Lose the loser. There are any number of men who’d jump to fulfill your sexual needs without attachment.
Dear Ms. Fix-it:
I don’t know why I’m commenting on the article I read in the Current about dating – but I just get annoyed every time I see articles about rules. Maybe it’s because I don’t come from the same school of dating as everyone else. I don’t believe in waiting so many days to call or what you’re suppose to do on whatever number date it is. I never looked at dating as a game.
It’s always been more meaningful for me. I’ve never been able to date more than one person at the same time. If there is a second date, then that means there’s a connection and I want to see this person again. I feel that if you’re dating more that one person at a time, then you’re not giving your all. I’m not a person who falls in love each week; it takes time and a lot of trust before that. I always give a relationship all my attention for however long it lasts. I’m always honest and I expect the same in return.
I still can’t grasp the “rules” like not answering the other person’s calls or other games people play. I can’t even count the number of times friends have come to me for advice. Every time it could have easily been solved if people were upfront with their partners, but everyone has to play these mind games and follow these rules that lead to problems.
I don’t know what response or answer I’m trying to find out if any, but I guess my question is: Is this really everyone’s mentality towards dating? Is this what they want and how they want to be treated? Am I just too old-fashioned and need to change with the times? – A Hoboken Guy
Dear Hoboken Guy:
I think it’s cute that you’re so offended by the dating rules, and that you so vehemently defend your own “school of dating.”
The fact is these so-called dating rules crop up from time to time. Every few years, some genius comes up with an idiot-proof formula for successful dating. Whether or not you adhere to them depends upon your personal relationship goals. If you ask me, the goal of a dating rules follower is simply to avoid being made a fool. They want to meet and spend time with someone, without ever taking a risk or feeling uncool. It’s impossible to find anything meaningful without making some sort of mess.
Why are you wasting energy wondering what drives the mindless sheep among us? You obviously know who you are, what you want, and how you are comfortable conducting yourself. Stick to that, and you’ll meet like-minded people.
You are kind of a sap, though. You might want to tone that down.
Ms. Fix-it, a.k.a. Hilary Morris, is a writer, actress, and expert mixologist. She spends her time doling out advice to many of Hudson County’s singles when she’s slinging drinks. While she doesn’t consider herself an expert on relationships, she has survived plenty of heartbreak. Tell her your problem!
If you have any questions that you would like answered by Ms. Fix-it, please submit them to current@hudsonreporter.com. Please put in the subject line “Ms. Fix-it.” The Current reserves the right to edit any letters for content or clarity.