The Vacuum Cleaner Biz

In case you’ve never really noticed before
Most vacuums are hard to maneuver.
Whether Eureka or Sears
Or little Dirt Devils
Or even a respected old Hoover.

They’re noisy and stubborn
And not in a rush
To clean up where they’ve been carefully placed.
They get caught in odd places and mangle their cords
Though their wheels are quite evenly spaced.

They claim to pick up stubborn stuff on the floor
But I think this is talk and no action.
The last time I vacuumed my lovely shag rug
All the threads got pulled out from bad traction.

They’re supposed to be sturdy
But their bodies are made out of various pieces of plastic.
Some tumbles down stairs and a bang on the bong
Can transform them into objects quite spastic.

Just last week my Hoover got very aggressive
While sucking at old dust and dirt.
It leaped from the floor and tried vainly to take
Little vacuum bites out of my shirt.

I wrestled and tussled and barely extracted
Its robot teeth out of my sleeve
When all of a sudden the vacuum decided
To grab my pants leg with one mighty heave.

It hissed at my sneakers and lunged for my ear
In a maniacal vacuum attack!
It was all I could do to pin down its long hose
As I fought it heroically back.

I finally managed to yank on the plug
That I tore viciously out of the wall.
It will be a long time before I vacuum again,
I may never attempt it at all.

I’ll use a whisk broom
To clean out the room.
I am able, still spry, and not lazy.
I can keep the place tidy without the loud din
From a vacuum gone clinically crazy! – Pamela Ross

Pamela Ross is a frequent contributor. Comments on this piece can be sent to: