Wall Street rocked today when Stephen King Enterprises announced it had outbid John Grisham Inc. and Barbara Cartland Unlimited for full ownership of Philip Roth, John Updike, and Thomas Pynchon. In a statement, SKE praised all three writers as “the foam of Post Modern Realism. This cements our image as forward thinking traditionalists. Stephen joins with our shareholders in welcoming these three literary giants into our family.”
Longtime analysts were not so sanguine. Remarked Walter Hemshire of Sandborne Brokers, “This certainly establishes SKE as a player in the still evolving literary conglomerate field, although Disney’s recent acquisition of Tom Clancy and Garrison Keillor gives them a slight advantage. Time Warner is right up there with its merging of Ben Bova Associates, Jackie Collins Inc. and Mary Higgins Clark International. But no one knows what these mergers will mean in terms of quality merchandise. How much influence these corporations exert on style and content is an open question.”
Added another trading insider who asked not to be identified, “Soon, we will see the end of writers working alone, expressing their own ideas. It will be literature by committee.”
One particular section of the SKE statement troubled most observers. “Only when absolutely necessary will downsizing be considered.”
When pressed for clarification SKE spokeswoman Clara Winship responded, “All you have to do is read these writers to understand their brilliance, but in order for this to be the kind of fit we all want, changes are in order. Entire chapters in Roth and Updike fly by without a murder or even a maiming. Only a handful of readers understand Pynchon. I emphasize every effort will be made to keep as many modifiers and punctuation marks as possible intact. Frankly, there are a bit too many paragraphs per page than we’re comfortable with, but these are incidental details to be hammered out between our people and these writers.”
Asked about rumors that all semi-colons would be eliminated, Ms. Winship replied, “I think all of us agree semi-colons have always been problematic. The period makes a bold statement. The comma asks us to pause gently and taste the sentence flavor. The semi can’t make up its mind. It equivocates, flustered and frozen. It is the Hamlet of punctuation. SKE simply will not abide that sort of ambivalence.”
On Larry King, both Roth and Updike agreed that, in Roth’s words, “This decision feels right at this time. I rejected the Cartland offer because, despite my respect for her 723 books, I could never adhere to their requirement of seven books a year.”
Added Updike, “I hate cleavage in cover art.” In a related story, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon were joined by fellow activist Alec Baldwin in a demonstration in front of SKE’s offices, chanting “SAVE THE SEMI!”
Baldwin opined, “If Shakespeare had used semi-colons, my Macbeth would have attained deeper poignancy.” Pynchon, elusive as usual, was finally cornered playing Frisbee in Riverside Park. The publicity shy author responded to the controversy by describing the merger as “an unfortunate necessity.” Or perhaps he actually said, “I’m meeting Vinnie Testaverde.” A bus drowned out much of his response. Then he scurried off, dodging traffic. – Joe Del Priore
Joe Del Priore is a frequent contributor. Comments on this piece can be sent to: current@hudsonreporter.com.