Well into my sixth decade, I believe I have a responsibility to impart wisdom to those of a younger generation. This particular essay is designed, however, only for men. All women should stop reading right now, lest they should find out secrets into the male psyche.
Okay guys, you have to accept my word on this – the wounded guy technique (WGT) works on all women of every age, race, and ethnicity. It even works on gay women, if it’s done right.
First, you have to establish the wounded look. Steve McQueen and Lee Marvin had it. Michael Caine and Sir Anthony Hopkins have it. How do you think Hopkins bedded Nicole Kidman in The Human Stain? James Woods does not have it. Woods resembles an older serial killer who mentors young serial killers – not what we’re looking for.
Yet, you can’t appear TOO depressed – no woman wants to be around a potential suicide.
The look you want has to convey that you’ve been terribly hurt, but not broken. Damaged courage is the posture and expression sought. Each of you must find your own access to that look. Practice in front of the mirror. This can sometimes take months.
Next, you can’t effectively use the technique in a bustling club full of happy young women doing karaoke. If a bar is practically empty and near closing time, there’s a better chance of succeeding.
But the WGT is best utilized at private parties, museums, art openings, polo matches, book discussions, writers’ groups – all places where sensitive, intelligent woman congregate.
When you’ve found the right locale, the first thing you must do is keep to yourself. Then hang in the back, don’t make eye contact, look longingly out the window, and take deep, sad breaths. Pretend there are no women in the room.
Eventually a woman will come over out of curiosity and compassion. It’s in their genes. They want to know why you’re troubled. They want to heal you.
At some point she will look at you sympathetically and ask if you’ve ever been in love. You have to pause; the pause is very important. “Once…long ago…”
Tell me about it, she will say. Another pause. Keep looking at the wall or out the window. “I…I can’t talk about it.”
Now she’s really into your pain. “What do you do for a living?” she will ask. Pause, perhaps give a world-weary chuckle. “I’ve spent time in Bali (or Indonesia, Portugal, Senegal).”
“Really?” she says, eyes widening. “Doing what?”
Another pause, this one more serious. “I did some work for the government.”
Now, it doesn’t matter if you’ve never been in these countries or worked for the government. Some call this lying. I call this layering the truth.
Next, smile at some inner joke, and then look directly at her for the first time. Hold her eyes, still expressing untold emotional anguish that you are strong enough to beat back. Ask to see her hands. Extend yours, palm down. Note the smoothness of her skin; compare it to yours, which resembles an aerial view of a dried out Nile River. Sigh like you’ve lived 100 years.
Now she is convinced you are damaged, yet deep, sensitive, yet strong, experienced in things she couldn’t dream of, well-traveled, a man of tragic mystery who needs the balm of her caring and passion.
Inside of an hour she will be ripping off your clothes.
One caveat – this technique may not work for young men. The woman is liable to say something like, “You’re 26 and have your whole life in front of you. Suck it up and move on.”
But for us older gents, if done right, this is a slam-dunk. – Joe Del Priore
Joe Del Priore is a frequent contributor. Comments on this piece can be sent to: current@hudsonreporter.com.