“Where do you want to eat?”
“I dunno, where do you want to eat?”
“I don’t care. How ’bout Indian?”
“I like Indian food, but Indian food hates me, if you know what I mean.”
“Then how ’bout sushi?”
“I eat sushi and then I’m hungry 10 minutes later.”
“How ’bout Chinese?”
“Same thing. Plus there are so many Chinese restaurants in town it’s hard to figure out which one is any better than any other one.”
“Well where do YOU want to eat?”
“I told you, I don’t care.”
“I hate you and hope you choke on whatever we finally settle on eating.”
Tired of having this conversation night after night with you friend/significant other? Here’s a simple solution: take matters into your own hands and go out to dinner BY YOURSELF. Hell, you deserve it. You work hard for the money, so you’d better treat you right. And you know what you want to eat, so why should you sell yourself short. Instead of aiming to please others, seize the day and do what you want. Sure it’s self-indulgent, but if you’re not living for yourself once in awhile then what are you living for?
You can go to that restaurant you really like, but your friend/significant other didn’t like because of the service or when they puked up the bisque. Even better – you can go to that really nice restaurant that’s a little too pricey, with the two appetizers, bottle of wine, two dinners, two desserts, plus 20 percent gratuity on that big-ass bill.
But once you cut that in half, drop the apps, skip dessert and grab a beer instead, it really isn’t all that bad. And best of all, you’ve got no one to impress. Tear into that lobster with your bare hands. Get the ribs. No one’s there to get grossed-out by the dollop of BBQ sauce on your cheekbone. So what if you crack into the crab legs and a chunk of meat goes flying across the table – it’s not gonna hit anyone!
Alright, so you think you might look a little pathetic sitting alone at your table for one. You’re pretty sure the waiter feels sorry for you and wonders what sort of social misfit can’t even find one lousy friend to share a meal with. Well screw him!!! You’re so damn cool you can’t find anyone worthy of sharing a meal with you. You’re sitting with the best company you can find.
Bring a book (like Citybursts!, by Alexandra Koslow. Ask for it at Barnes & Noble!), a crossword, or even the latest copy of the Current. This is your night out. Enjoy it! How often do you really get to sit by yourself and have a bit of “you” time?
What – you really don’t have any friends/significant others? Then go to your favorite restaurant and maybe you’ll make new ones. Maybe some other poor sap will be sitting there alone reading the Current. You can strike up a conversation about how lame Chris Halleron’s column is, and take it from there. At least you’ll know they like the same restaurant you do.
Christopher M. Halleron, freelance writer/bitter bartender, writes a biweekly humor column for The Hudson Current and websites in the New York Metro area. He spends a lot of his time either in front of or behind the bar in Hoboken, New Jersey where his tolerance for liquor grows stronger as his tolerance for society is eroded on a daily basis. Feel free to drop him a line at c_halleron@yahoo.com.