Please don’t pity me – I’m one of the Men With Little Dogs referred to in last week’s Back Page column by Jeff Somers. Pity the author, his pathetic life, and his poor, poor wife, because I will expose this masked piece of prose for what it really is – a cry for help!
Let me first swear before the world that life with my size-challenged dog, Don Juan de Marlowe, has been nothing less than pure joy and friendship. Just ask my friends who BEG to “borrow him,” the friendly neighbors I’ve met over the years, and the strangers who stop me EVERY DAY and revel at the greatest pet that ever lived. I also need to thank my parents up front for having both cats and dogs in the house while I grew up.
My folks’ big house had plenty of room for large dogs and a great big back yard. My apartment is a typical ‘boken railroad, four rooms, no back yard, no room for a big dog. A friend needed a home for Don Juan (as she named him), and I agreed to give the little guy a try. That was six years ago. But I digress.
When read correctly, you’ll see that Mr. Somers obviously hates his life, resents his wife, harbors childhood anger toward his parents, and suffers from either erectile dysfunction, or dare I say it, penis envy. He also seems confused by his own sexuality.
One need not have a degree in psychology to realize that Mr. Somers is miserable and merely projecting his own inadequacies of manhood, a repressed childhood, and a looming sexual identity crisis. Just read between the lines of his repeated use of certain negative phrases, the mixed messages, and his cleverly hidden attacks upon small dogs, gays, his parents, and his wife.
Before I get to the real meat of my argument, let me begin with some of the obvious facts and easily explained issues.
For starters, he admits “ignoring” his wife’s desire to own a dog, before being forced to “incessant begging” and compromising on a PUSSY CAT! This guy ignores Man’s Best Friend and gets a PUSSY CAT? A cat they name PIERRE!?! What kind of man names ANY pet Pierre? And why must he point out that Pierre – his pussycat – has “grown large and strong” under their care?
So, why are dogs man’s best friend, and not cats? Just walk into the home with any dog and you’ll see a loving pet, tail wagging, face smiling, doing flips like you’ve been gone for months, even though it’s been an hour. Dogs are protectors and great security guards. Dogs go to the bathroom OUTSIDE. Dogs run free in the grass and play catch. I love walking my dog, because I’ve gotten to know my neighbors better. I meet new, great people all the time.
Most of the cats I’ve met hate people. They hide when you come in the door. They rarely socialize with humans. They go in boxes filled with sand that gets caught in their paws. The same box, every time. AND IT’S IN YOUR HOUSE! Cats are pissed off because they can’t go outside. They sit in windows staring at dogs that are outside having fun. Kind of like married men who have to watch single guys going to all the bars in town, meeting hot girls and still practicing man’s favorite position. Yep, I’m going there – dawgy style!
It’s no wonder this guy hates his life and women. Numerous times he refers to women who force men to do things like buy little dogs. He claims women, including his wife, break promises and deceive men. Then he blames it all on his parents who refused to get him a dog. Does this sound like a happily married man, pet owner or person in general? I say, no. I say, RUN, MRS. SOMERS! Run before you become the next Mrs. McGreevey! But before I get to that, let’s take a look at an even more personal issue that Mr. Somers addresses – size. Because we all know it does matter.
Let’s start with the most obvious. Just count how many times the words “tiny,” “small,” and “little” appear in his story. And remember, the story’s only eight paragraphs long. His line, “tiny little legs can’t go very far, or very fast,” undoubtedly refers to his own troubles in bed. Calling tiny dogs “genetically-inferior” not only reveals his ignorance to their true breeding history to protect Kings and Queens, but shows his true anger toward what his parents gave him, or better yet, didn’t, genetically.
But his closing line, “Certainly, pointing and laughing, like I do, is wrong,” clearly exposes his anger toward the women in his life who’ve seem him naked and done exactly that.
Finally, the clearest evidence this man is sexually confused was his explanation for Women with Puppy Madness – Peter Pan Syndrome. Here he vents his obvious frustration and confusion by recalling a childhood hero who was a woman, pretending to be little boy, dressed in cute green tights.
I rest my case. Dogs rule! – Steve Marlowe of Hoboken
Jeff Somers responds: Steve is absolutely right, and I am very ashamed.