In my previous article, I discussed the Dating Jungle and some of its nuances. I went through personal experiences with dating and the lessons I’ve learned as a result. But I forgot one of the important phenomena of the dating experience: the first date.As a male Union City resident in my 30s, living in proximity to Hoboken, I have many opportunities to fraternize with young, single women. Most of the time, I ask them out. On rare occasion, they ask me out (a phenomenon that I believe, if most women seriously considered as a dating tactic, would make their heads explode). The percentage of acceptance of my hospitality is somewhere around 10 percent, by my estimate – I am neither a looker nor a player.
When the request for a rendezvous is accepted and a date does occur, it rarely goes past the first date – usually because of a lack of “spark” on one side or the other, or both. I have found that it is usually the woman who wants to end the experience, however I have done my share of heartbreaking. (Can it even be called that after one date? Heartwobbling, maybe. Heartbending at most.)
In our socializing with the opposite sex, we sometimes encounter those circumstances in which it is immediately known (by either yourself or the opposite party) that you’re about as compatible as the Pope and a space alien. This phenomenon is probably a result of our changing society and our need for immediate gratification. Usually, when this occurs, a polite inquiry into a second date is made, but the uninterested party is already thinking of alternative methods for brushing the other person off.
This is universally accomplished by one of three possible methods:
A telephone call – a polite thing to do, but not entirely necessary. A call would be more compulsory if several dates had occurred, but with the first date you don’t know each other well enough for such informality. It would be appropriate enough to do the next item.
E-mail – sending e-mail would be adequate for informing the prospective date that you are not interested. It is formal, but the relationship is still in formal stages, so it is most appropriate. I have always ended my single-date relationships using this method.
Nothing – usually, when the opposite party wants to end the relationship with me, they don’t return my e-mails or phone calls. This is just rude and cowardly. If someone has made the time and effort to get together with you, then you should grow the intestinal fortitude required to tell them that you’re not interested.
I ran through my dating stories in my last article. Regarding first-date and brush-off stories, I have many more. In most circumstances, if they are uninterested in continuing, women do not communicate after the initial date. I usually turn this into a game, and can be quite cruel. Basically, I keep sending e-mails requesting a get-together. Eventually, the woman breaks down and confesses her disinterest. I pester the hell out of them (stopping short of actual stalking) until they grow a spine and tell me they’re not interested.
When I’m not interested in continuing the relationship, I send e-mail. It is usually phrased as follows: “You’re a terrific person, but I don’t feel a potential relationship. I simply feel our characters are incompatible. Good luck in the future.” This response could be perceived as cruel, but it is truthful. Before I am criticized, I am often given “no chemistry” as a reason for disinterest, and I find this to be an inexplicable non-excuse.
I have had several first dates resulting in mutual disinterest, where we looked compatible at first glance, but on the phone or in person, there was no spark. We would meet in a restaurant or coffee shop and try to make small talk for an hour or so that would be strained or forced. Those sorts of dates are easy to end cordially (even though I usually end up making the effort to do so).
I have also had several dates where one side felt a spark, but the other didn’t. These are best to end quickly to minimize discomfort for the interested party.
But there’s an upside …
Believe it or not, this entire rant has a point. A few months ago, I went on a first date. The woman was very pleasant in both personality and features. After a dinner together, I determined us to be incompatible, and I sent her an e-mail saying so.
But this particular woman happened to live in my building, and I ran into her in the lobby. She was having difficulties with her computer, and being somewhat knowledgeable about the subject, I agreed to help her with her problems. This led to her inviting me to dinner in her apartment.
This led to other get-togethers.
I discovered that we did have several things in common not visible in a cursory examination or interview. I found that I enjoyed her company very much, despite our “incompatibility.” After a few weeks of this, it turned into a full-blown relationship. As of this writing, we are still dating.
The moral of this story is: Do not dismiss a potential relationship after a single date. There are many treasures you can potentially uncover with a little digging.
Dateboy is in his early 30s and lives in Union City. Do you have responses to this essay, or want to tell your own tales? E-mail us at current@hudsonreporter.com.
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