Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’d like to feel comfortable going to bars and meeting new people. My friends seem to be able to do this – but for me it’s awkward. I don’t seem to be as social as they are – and I wish I was. The other thing that bothers me about this is that I haven’t found a man I’m interested in for a long time now. I feel behind my friends in terms of boyfriend/dating experience. I really would like to be in a relationship and don’t know how to find the right man. Could you give me any advice?
Dr. Norquist responds:
There are many women who feel awkward going into a bar and meeting new people. Only a certain percentage of the population is naturally extroverted and gregarious. There is a genetic element at play here. The problem is not that you don’t feel comfortable meeting men at bars. The problem is that you define this as a problem, and judge yourself accordingly. You do not need to be gregarious. You just need to be true to who you are.
If we could poll the married population and determine what percentage of them met each other in a bar, my guess is that it would be far from the majority of them. People usually meet their significant other through an activity, a common interest, or a common work or school environment. Perhaps the men who are right for you are not the type one meets in a bar.
My suggestion is that you involve yourself in activities that are interesting, enjoyable, and satisfying to you – whether they are career-related or otherwise. This could include conferences, travel, clubs, volunteer work, community activities, or church/synagogue involvement. Practice being comfortable with and accepting of who you are. Enjoy your life! Know that when the time is right, you will meet someone. It will feel so comfortable and right that it won’t matter if you haven’t had a lot of prior dating experience.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’ve been out of college for ten years now and I can’t seem to move forward with my life. I feel kind of lost as to how to move forward. My job is OK, but it’s not exciting, and nothing that adds much meaning to my life. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing besides financially supporting myself and eventually getting married and having kids. Sometimes I wonder how much fate has a role in what I do. Do you have any words of advice?
Dr. Norquist responds:
You need to ask yourself what this life is for. What is it that you would like to accomplish with your life? Life is not solely governed by the forces around you, but rather by the choices you make as you interact with the world around you, according to your unique understanding of the world. Seek to mold your own fate. What is it that you would like to experience short-term and long term with your body, your emotions, your mind, and your spiritual life? Spend some time considering this question. Ask yourself what pursuits, experiences, and accomplishments hold the most sense of fulfillment to you. The answer is gleaned by listening inside, and remembering past experiences, childhood visions of your future, early interests and predilections, experiences of contentment, and areas that you felt compelled to learn more about or to experience, or to create. I’m not talking just of your worklife goals. We are much more than that. Consider qualities that you would like to develop in yourself, such as humor, compassion, or courage. Breaking through fears that have bound you is certainly a worthy goal for improving the quality of your life. What do you want your daily life to feel like, in each moment? Are you goal-focused or process-focused? This has a tremendous influence on your daily emotional state. Where do relationships (of all kinds) stand in terms of priorities in your life? What stage of spiritual awareness would you like to become established in?
Our lives evolve in stages. Sometimes we are more focused on the mental level of our development. Others times the physical or the emotional levels are dominant. As life goes on, the spiritual level tends to hold more and more meaning for us. Pay attention to what level of development you are drawn towards at any point in time and pursue it until you are drawn toward a different level or focus for your development. Always re-consider what your goals are for this life that you’ve been given. Along the way, if you can learn to enjoy being exactly where you are, the path you tread will be much lighter and easier.
Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken. Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, CranioSacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique 2004 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center.