Dear Dr. Norquist:
Could you give me some advice regarding what to look for in deciding whether or not my boyfriend and I should get married? I do love him, and he loves me. But both of my parents have been divorced several times. And I don’t want to make the same mistakes. We’ve been together 2 years (I’m 28 and he’s 29) and most times it seems like we are a good match for each other, but I don’t want to make a mistake. What should I look for in making my decision?
Dr. Norquist responds:
What a good question! The fact that you ask this question shows maturity on your part, and that you are not making your decision out of fear or security needs. When a relationship is “right”, it brings out the best in both of you and it provides the freedom for being true to who you are. There is a natural sense of comfort and enjoyment in being together, and usually communication and understanding come easily. Those who love you should enjoy being around the two of you, because they sense how good you are together.
This does not mean that everything is perfect. Relationships are our teachers. They are the perfect medium for personal growth. What is most important is that you and your partner are each willing to take responsibility for your own problems and growth needs (rather then blaming the other or expecting your partner to fix the problems). There must be an attitude of basic respect and consideration for each other, and for people and life in general. Chose a partner whose integrity is solid and beyond question.
Of course, love and attraction are the cornerstones, along with similar beliefs, interests, values, and goals. Don’t forget that you each have your own lives. One life should not revolve around the others’ life. The consistent expression of love and kindness is one of the most worthy goals in life. Remember, when you find the right relationship, it is something to be nurtured and treasured throughout the up and downs of life.
Dr. Norquist:
I have been married to my husband for over 3 months after we had been going together for two years. I just found out that he had cheated on me with the same woman both before and after our wedding day. He has confessed and begged my forgiveness. Of course he swears that he will never do it again. I can’t stop asking myself how someone can say they love you and then cheat on you one week after the wedding. I love him dearly and it’s hard to see my life without him. But how do I get over this? It’s the second marriage for both of us and between us we have 5 children. My children love him a great deal. Right now, I am just trying to survive day-to-day. I haven’t figured out what to do next yet. If you can offer me some positive advice, I would appreciate it.
Dr. Norquist responds:
Often we don’t realize how fragile trust is until it’s broken. That’s when we learn how difficult it is to mend. All the pieces never quite fit together again in the same way. It is up to your husband to choose to understand and deal with the underlying reasons for his behavior. He needs to look at what he wants and what he is creating. If he wants an intimate relationship and a secure healthy family life, then that’s where he needs to focus his love and energy. Deceitfulness never works. Even if you never knew about his infidelities, he would reap what he sows. This is because deceitfulness diminishes our self-esteem, our inner state, our sense of inner contentment, and our ability to be close with others.
There are many possible reasons for infidelity. Certainly it is possible for someone to love their spouse and yet cheat on them. You will need to decide, over time, whether or not this relationship can provide what you need. Do not compromise yourself for the sake of “security.” Listen to your feelings and your needs. The highest yet most difficult road for the two of you to take here is to use this experience as an opportunity to genuinely grow in your capacity for forgiveness and intimacy. For this to happen, a whole-hearted commitment is required from both of you.
Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.
Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700.stions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, CranioSacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique 2004 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center