Dear Dr. Norquist:
The Christmas season is upon us now, and, as usual, I’m really uptight about all I have to accomplish before Christmas. I make lists. I try to plan my schedule so that I can get everything done. But it feels like too much and I’m not at all looking forward to it. Mostly I’m looking forward to when this season is over – so I can relax. I’m not sleeping well because of everything I have to get done. I’m kind of hyper and irritable and not really there for my kids. What can I do to make this season more enjoyable?
Dr. Norquist responds:
You are approaching this season as a list of things to be done by a certain deadline. This leads to feeling overwhelmed because you are focusing on the future, seeing everything that you must do (the “whole ball of wax”) instead of what needs to be done next. A much less stressful, more efficient, and more enjoyable way of approaching life is to see it as a series of simple things that can be easily taken care of, one at a time. By focusing on one thing at a time, you no longer feel overwhelmed. Also, if you are taking life one moment at a time, there is never a question of having enough time. Simply, practice focusing on doing in each moment what needs to be done in that moment and you’ll be amazed how everything works out. Try not to worry about later as this outlook only creates stress. What needs to be done later will be done when ‘later’ becomes ‘now’. We can never actually do anything later. Thinking of what needs to be done in the future, along with what needs to be done now, is a sure formula for feeling overwhelmed and “stressed-out”. It reduces your efficiency and dissipates your energy.
The essence of what I’m suggesting is that you practice being in the present moment. The stress of the holiday season is providing you with an optimal opportunity to experiment with this way of experiencing life. Remember to enjoy your life. Relaxation and fun exist in the present moment. Being in the present moment is also a wonderful antidote for stress, insomnia and irritability. For further information, and techniques for accessing this experience, see Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book Wherever You Go, There You Are.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I love how good I feel when I’m newly in love with someone, my world feels cheerful and sunny, like nothing could go wrong. Then something goes wrong in the relationship and I feel let down or disappointed or angry or frustrated, and that good feeling disappears. How can I get that feeling back? I’d love to be able to be in a relationship for a long time and still have that great feeling. How can I keep it alive?
Dr. Norquist responds:
A friend of mine once said to me “the secret to maintaining a happy, loving relationship is for both parties in the relationship to put in more than half.” The relationship I felt and observed between he and his wife after 54 years of marriage was so loving, rich and devoted that it served to uplift others around them. When you are in touch with that inner fountain of love, it can’t help but spill over into the lives of those around you. He greeted everyone, stranger, friend or family, with open-hearted love and respect and genuinely wished the best for everyone. I believe my friend had mastered the art of keeping alive that newly-in-love feeling that your are talking about. My friend passed away this week, after a long, painful bout with cancer. At his funeral, many shared how his love touched their lives. It occurred to me that my friend had made the best possible use of his God-given time here. For what could be more meaningful and fulfilling than devoting your days to loving and respecting, in whatever way is most appropriate, all those with whom you come in contact. What could possibly bring greater richness to a life then to live in an “in-love” state, the state we experience when we are open-hearted, accepting and wishing the best for others. I believe this state is not so much dependent on another’s love, as it is on being in touch with your own inner experience of love. It starts on the inside, not “out there” somewhere. Many spend their lives searching for that perfect other who will give them the love they need, never recognizing the source is not in the other, but rather, in that spark we all carry within. You can keep that feeling alive by mastering the art of living open-heartedly, with all of life.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2002 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center