Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’m at a turning point in my life, and I’m not sure what to do. I guess fear gets in my way. My life has changed suddenly. My mother passed away earlier this year after a long battle with cancer and so recently I’ve had a lot more time available. My business (a small retail store) has been changing for awhile.Since 9/11 and the stock market drop business has changed. I guess people don’t have as much cash available for the kind of non-essential things that we sell. I didn’t mind as much when I needed the extra time and energy to be with my mom, but now it concerns me. I don’t know if the business can support me anymore. Yet I had always thought I’d stick with it until I retire. Here I am in my early 40’s, evaluating all of this. I’ve got a mortgage to pay though so it’s troubling me. I’m still mourning my mother’s death but I did feel at peace with my relationship with her and her love for me before she died. There’s like an opening in my life now – more time, fewer demands on me, and simultaneously more financial stress. I don’t know if I should keep pressing forward with my current work hoping to bring business back or if I should do something different.
Dr. Norquist responds:
It sounds like you are at a crossroad in your life. Perhaps the current changes in your life provide an opportunity for you to look up from the path, and re-visit choices you have made regarding how you spend your life energy. Sometimes we encounter situations in life that poke and jab at us, awaken us from life’s humdrum, and/or mold us in irreparable ways. Living is a dynamic process, not meant to go smoothly.
The fact that the daily structure of your life has changed so much recently on both a personal as well as a career level suggests that you are being given an opportunity to look around and re-evaluate your life. I would not jump to any sudden conclusions or decisions, as the dust hasn’t settled yet, and you may still be in a period of mourning. I would suggest, however, that you make a practice of setting aside time daily to be in a quiet environment, spending time alone, with yourself. During this time, listen inside for any inner strivings, dreams, feelings, needs, desires, fears, fleeting images, or bodily sensations that arise. Just observe and note this information without analyzing or judging it. Try to do this for 10-20 minutes each day. Sometimes life has to make us stop in our tracks so we can take notice of important inner information that we have been too busy or too outer-focused to notice or heed. Perhaps you haven’t been heeding your inner compass, and you have been veering off your path. Perhaps you just need to re-orient yourself at this crossroad in your life. If you make a practice of taking time out to listen inside, the answers have a chance to let themselves be known. Try it and see!
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I have recently started seeing this man who I think is adorable and things are going really well. My last relationship was a 3-year nightmare that ended a long time before I finally broke it off in June. Everyone keeps saying to follow the rules and take it slow and to be careful because I am on the rebound and it is too soon to get involved. How can I know if what I am feeling is right and if I should just go with the flow? I am still feeling so new at all this stuff and I am often very scared to get hurt again. Please give me some of your advice!
Dr. Norquist responds:
Sometimes it just takes time to know the answer to this question. If you stay centered within yourself, it will be easier to trust your own judgment. You must use your head and your heart to answer this question. Loving someone doesn’t necessarily mean we should be in a committed relationship with that person. Many other factors need to be considered, such as commonality of values, beliefs and goals, each partners ability to sustain intimacy, emotional health, current life situation, etc. Decide what you want in a relationship, and what’s most important to you. Take it slowly. Try not to use this new infatuation as something to "fill-up" on, to make you feel more whole. Remember to listen to everything you are feeling and discovering about this man, not just the part that feels good. Check to make sure you aren’t making decisions out of fears or insecurities. Move forward with your eyes open, and your heart available, and time will answer your questions for you.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2002 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center